Sherpa Patrol

Veritas delectat

2011-01-15T13:20:00.004-06:00

I have set a number of goals in my life. Milestones to allow me to chart my progress in this world. These moments are used to help me decide where I am at in life and where I am going. They help me decide when to move on, when to keep plugging away and when to celebrate a success.
I believe I have a achieved a success and that I am ready to move to the next level.

The Sherpa is ready to settle down a bit.

I have run the gamut from A cups to DD cups, from Barbie Dolls to Horse faces and now I think I have experienced enough of a variety of women to make an informed decision on settling down. As I am always interested in educating my loyal readers (both of them), here is a summary of all of the types of ladies that I have had the privilege of knowing in some carnal fashion or another.
In no particular order:

White
Black
Latino
Asian
Indian
Greek
Jewish
10 years older (when I was 25)
10 years younger (when I was 36)
Redhead
Married - whoops
Engaged
Dating someone else - haha
Dating one of my buddy's - whoops
Single Mom
Hippie
Emo
Scorpio
Stripper *
Beauty Queen
Gymnast
College Cheerleader *
Marathon Runner
Shot putter
Maid of Honor *
Bartender
Waitress
Lesbian*
Sisters
One-Armed *
Flight Attendant *
Short - 4'11''
Tall - 6'3''

* = I am particularly proud of these

All I can say is thanks for the memories.

I guess the real question is whether or not a woman can put up with the sideshow that is the Sherpa.

The Important things I've learned from women

2010-04-14T18:17:00.002-06:00

These are some of the women who have had a powerful influence on the Sherpa, for better or for worse. I dated a few and have been friends with all at some point or another. Life teaches us some important lessons. Some of the most important lessons I have learned have come from the people closest to me. The last names (and I do know them) have been withheld to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. Below I will list the women's name and the lesson learned. These are in no particular order...

Ursula- Beautiful women are just normal people, only hotter.

Courtney- There are still some smart and beautiful women out there. You just need to get to them before Bob.

Jill- If you wait too long to make your move they will always love you...as a friend.

Susan- sometimes things do not work out the way you want and that is a good thing.

Kathryn- relationships don't work out, accept it and move on. To quote Adam Sandler "Why would you want to go out with someone who doesn't want to go out with you?"

Andrea- caring about someone enough to let them go is its own reward.

Mollie- just because one of your friends gets married doesn't mean you can't hang out anymore. In fact, if his wife is cool, it makes hanging out even better.

Karla- a first kiss, when done right, is something you never forget.

Sandra- sometimes you need to encounter someone several times in your life before you realize how important they are going to be to you.

Michelle- never underestimate how awesome it can be to date a female friend. Also, hot & wild & incredible.

It's the little things...

2010-03-03T19:29:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it can be helpful to take a few minutes and reflect on the small things and moments that make life special. It can also be helpful to ponder the small trifles and happenings that can make life a steaming pile of shit.
So whether I'm inspired to give you a big hug or light you on fire just so I have an excuse to piss on you here are some of my top choices of the good and the bad.

that make me happy-

1. Finding money in my jacket pocket
2. Making the green light
3. Flirting with a good looking girl
4. Being in the fast line at the store
5. Getting a postcard in the mail
6. Having a cup of coffee after a great dinner
7. Inside jokes that I am "in" on
8. Peeing standing up
9. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning
10. Watching a sunset
11. Fresh sheets on my bed
12. Lightning bug baseball
13. Getting the last piece of pizza
14. Saying "Out of the way, Peck" to short people
15. Catching an old Three Stooges episode

that piss me off-

1. People who use my coffee mug
2. Slow drivers in the left lane
3. Assholes at Chipotle who are ordering for 5 other people
4. Messing up my order at the drive-thru
5. Running out of printer ink
6. Not being able to fall asleep
7. People stepping on my shoes
8. People who don't know how to park in a parking spot
9. Explaining the 80's to women in their 20's
10. Inside jokes that I am not "in" on
11. Running into annoying ex-girlfriends
12. People who answer questions incorrectly. If I ask "Do you mind if I come with?" and you say "Yes" that means you do mind you moron.
13. People telling me a movie has a surprise ending. Really? Not anymore a$$hole!
14. Red light cameras. Stick it up your a$$ Big Brother!
15. Saturday morning cartoons. They used to be awesome. Now I have no idea what the hell is going on.

25 things I learned in 2009

2009-12-03T12:55:00.002-06:00

1. What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
2. Some women don't like you enough to date you but like you enough that they don't want you to date anyone else.
3. Being unemployed for 1 month = Fun, being unemployed for 6 months = Oh Shit!
4. When a woman asks you to go to a hotel with her you say YES!
5. You should just ask for what you want. The worst they can say is no.
6. You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones.
7. Sooner or later everyone makes a drunken fool of themselves at the local bar.
8. My brother can be a real cock block sometimes.
9. Facebook is a black hole of time and energy.
10. Dating older women can be awkward and complicated.
11. Not allowing people to put you on guilt trips is very liberating.
12. Putting women on a pedestal can be dangerous. Sometimes they fall off and land on your buddy's dick.
13. No one can frustrate you like family.
14. Deep down I prefer Brunettes.
15. Friendships , no matter how old, are fragile and once broken never seem to heal completely.
16. My parents want grandchildren... by any means necessary.
17. Giving ex-girlfriends funny animal nicknames will only bite you in the ass later.
18. Falling off a swim up bar is cool and refreshing.
19. I do not like birthday cake and would prefer Tiramisu.
20. Life is definitely less interesting without certain people in it.
21. A woman fresh out of the shower and just wearing a towel is what heaven must be like.
22. Money isn't everything but you do need some to go out drinking.
23. Taxi cabs are way better than DUI's. They are also cheaper.
24. Being the Best Man in a wedding very fun and quite an honor.
25. Being a pirate is fun. Yarrrrrrr!

The Flying Urban Menace

2009-03-25T09:08:00.001-06:00

For the record, I hate pigeons.

These rancid, winged, shit dropping rats must be stopped. I also hate Canadian geese but let’s take one problem on at a time.

Pigeons have no redeeming qualities.
1. As birds go, they are ugly. They are mostly a dull gray color.
2. They seem to have some kind of oil slick on their feathers.
3. They don’t sing. They kind of gurgle out a noise of some kind.
4. They are cocky. They don’t fly away from people. Personally I have given a few of these bastards a good boot in the ass.
5. They crap on everything. Cars, statues, underpasses and basically any surface.

I have an idea that would be mutually beneficial for everyone. Let’s pay the homeless to hunt and kill them.

Let me explain- I would offer to pay the homeless $.50 a bird. I do not require the entire carcass. Heck the homeless may enjoy eating them. Don’t the French call pigeon Squab? I just want the little skinny, boney part of the leg as proof of a dead bird. So I guess I am offering $.25 a leg.

How does this help people you ask? And who does it help?

The Homeless
1. They are better fed due to having a ready source of “Squab”.
2. They are in better shape from the hunt.
3. They have more money for food due to the reward.
4. They have more money for booze due to the reward.
5. They have improved self worth & feel like productive members of society.

The Public
1. The streets, statues and everything else is not covered in bird crap.
2. The homeless spend less time pan handling.
3. Disease transmission is reduced by not having filthy winged rats everywhere.
4. Increased liquor sales to newly empowered homeless increase tax base.
5. No more smelly homeless trying to sell you a copy of streetwise.

So if you hate pigeons as much as I do let’s get this idea rolling. Perhaps we can even get some of the TARP or bailout money to get this project off the ground. It certainly would create jobs and could be categorized as a civic improvement project. Once we get these f-ing pigeons taken care of we can start on the rest. Specifically rats, stray animals, the undead and those damn Canadian Geese.

We are just lucky Chicago isn’t infested with Yeti…they shed.

More Sherpa Haiku

2008-08-11T15:46:00.001-06:00

In my never ending quest to keep myself busy I have written some new poems. I apologize that one serious one got in there. I do try to keep it as low brow as possible.

I fear the Darkness
An eerie noise frightens me
Did I shit the bed

Her breathing quickens
She approaches her climax
I already came

Cold ice on warm lips
Frosted mug sweats in the heat
I really love beer

I buy a ticket
Hopes of winning a fortune
or just tossing off

Keg stands can be fun
The trick is in the dismount
Sorry I threw up

Sun sets in red sky
Summer heat fades to Autumn
Seasons dance in time

The Truth about the Chicago Cubs from a Cub’s Fan

2008-04-02T19:00:00.002-06:00

Here is what I know about the Chicago Cubs...

The Die-Hard Truth

1. Cub’s fans are Cub’s fans- balls to bones, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get pissed off at the team or especially the Owners.

2. Being a Cub’s fan does NOT mean that you hate the Chicago White Sox (note: being a White Sox fan DOES mean that you hate the Cubs).

3. Wrigley Field is a great old ballpark. The ivy, the design and the feel of the place is all very old school.

4. Drunken guys on the 3rd base line are going to fall onto the field while trying to snag a foul ball. Laugh at these fat, drunk a$$holes.

5. If you are only at the game to party at least play “Buck in the Cup”. That way it will at least look like you are following the game.

6. There are two temperature zones in Wrigley field: Freezing and Boiling. If you are unsure which zone you will be sitting in please bring along a sweater, a hat, a tank top and some sun tan lotion.

7. You MUST throw back an opposing team’s home run ball. Do not try the old switch-a-roo with the ball. Just throw it back. The story is much cooler than a ball on a shelf.

8. There are a few days out of the season that are very special and/or sacred. Opening Day, all of the games in the White Sox series, the final home game of the year and Floppy hat day.

9. There are usually a large number of good looking women at Wrigley Field on any given night. On a sunny day, the bleachers have the most skin showing (If you want to try and get on TV sit next to these women. Just don’t be the moron on the cell phone).

10. If you have bleacher tickets and want to get a good seat you need to show up an hour or two early for the game.

The Ugly Truth

1. At least half of the people at the Cub’s game are only there to party.

2. The Tribune Co. does NOT care about winning a World Series. They sell out all the home games anyway.

3. Bartman did NOT cost the Cubs a trip to the World Series. Alex Gonzales missed an easy ground ball on the next play, Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez was unstoppable and we went on to lose game Seven.

4. The bathroom situation at Wrigley Field is a nightmare.

5. Ronny “Woo-woo” is only amusing for 5 seconds. After that he is annoying as hell.

6. The Cubs, as an organization, will destroy any good pitching arm they can get their hands on. I.E- Lance Dickson, Mark Prior & Kerry Wood

7. Sammy Sosa was a spoiled, possibly juiced, bat corking tool.

8. The people constantly on their cell phones and waving are morons. These are probably the same people who sit at Starbucks and work on their “Macs”.

9. Parking in Wrigleyville sucks ass. It always has and it always will.

10. The tickets, the hot dogs, the beer- everything is way over priced for a baseball team that has not been to the World Series in 63 years and has not won the World Series in 100 years.

Some things that need to be said about the Chicago White Sox

1. AJ Pierzynski is acknowledged to be kind of an a$$hole. However, that does not give you the right to punch him in the face.

2. US Cellular field is better than Wrigley Field in three ways. First, they serve Miller Lite instead of Budweiser. Second, the food concessions are vastly superior, and finally the entire facility is modern and the amenities like the Stadium Club, the box seats and bathrooms are great.

3. The 2005 Chicago White Sox were a fun, dynamic baseball team. They were fun to watch and truly deserved to win the World Series (see what pitchers whose arms are not wrecked can do.)

4. The 1994 Chicago White Sox might have gone all the way if there had not been a strike.

5. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson deserves to be in the Baseball hall of fame.

The Fast Food Conspiracy

2008-02-28T18:43:00.001-06:00

What is most important to a fast food company? Now I am talking about the big ones here, like Burger King, McDonalds and Wendy’s.

Customer loyalty? Creating a healthy product? Increasing market share?

WRONG!

At the end of the day it all comes down to Ketchup packets and napkins.

Don’t believe me? Try to get some extra ketchup packets and/or napkins sometime.
Everyone is in on it. It goes from the CEO all the way down to the kid working the fryer.

I challenge anyone to ask for extra Ketchup next time you go through the drive-up. They will give you one extra packet. That is, of course, if they don’t say “it’s in the bag” and then upon arriving home you discover their deception.
Damn you McDonald’s!!!!!!

What the hell is the deal with the Ketchup packets? I am guessing that the manager’s bonus is linked to the number of ketchup packets that they hand out. The lower the number the bigger the reward.
Perhaps I am missing something. Maybe ketchup is a limited resource. Although last time I checked the Heinz packet it said it was made of:

Tomato Concentrate Made from red ripe tomatoes, Distilled vinegar, High fructose corn syrup, Corn syrup, Salt, Spice, Onion Powder, Natural flavoring.

All of these ingredients seem to be readily available.
Maybe there is a secret ingredient McDonalds isn’t telling us about….perhaps each packet contains a drop of Unicorn blood. Either way it is a pain in the ass.

There is one exception to this rule. Taco Bell. Now, they do not hand out Ketchup. I do not even think they have a single ketchup packet in the store. Instead, they have taco sauce. They come in three flavors Mild, Hot and Fire. They hand out so much sauce every time I go there that I am usually set for the next 2 or 3 visits. Whenever you buy a used car I am sure you will find some Taco Bell Taco sauce somewhere in there, if you look hard enough. Taco bell must not be involved in the Ketchup conspiracy.

So next time you are at a Fast food joint demand extra Ketchup and napkins. Just remember not to ask for extra sauce at Taco Bell. They will bury your car in Taco Sauce.

Sudoku… how about F@#$ You!

2008-02-28T18:41:00.000-06:00

Since when did this “game” become the most popular thing on the planet?
It is not like it is a cool as Tetris or something.
I guess people these days really like rearranging numbers… for fun. I guess all of the slots to watch paint dry were full. It isn’t even like you can brag about it to anyone.
“Hey, did you see that I wrote down some numbers?”

I am glad they finally came up with a game that gives guys that play Dungeons and Dragons someone to look down on.

I was at a book store the other day and I came across the Puzzle section. This used to be an interesting section with Crosswords, Brain Teasers, Jumbles, Cryptography and other fun games. Now it is filled about 98% of the way with stupid Sudoku books. I am sorry. I just do not get it. I get more mental satisfaction out of finding all of the hidden pictures in the Hidden Pictures Playground of Highlights magazine. Even completing the crossword puzzle in People magazine is more enjoyable.
(A side note: if you find you cannot complete the People magazine crossword puzzle then you are having a stroke. Call 911)

So enjoy playing with numbers you Sudoku a$$hol@s. I am amazed they found something to distract you from playing on your laptop at Starbucks.

In the meantime, I will be working on completing a picture from a “Paint with Water” book. It is way more challenging and fun.

Younger Women

2007-08-10T18:32:00.000-06:00

As a gentleman, who is gracefully passing through the years, I find my eyes seem to be naturally pulled toward women of a certain age. The magical age of which I speak is the early twenties. There is just something very appealing about that age bracket. These women conjure fond memories of my own experiences as a twenty-something. The people I knew, the adventures, the discoveries and all the fun. It is almost enough to make me forget that women in their early twenties are BAT SHIT CRAZY!

Women are hard enough to figure out. A 23 year old chick has no idea who she is yet so what chance do I have to figure it out. I have had some direct experience with this lately. I assure you- they have not changed. I couldn't stand women this age when I was 23. That is why I dated older women. Now there is no doubt that younger women can be damn hot. However, it doesn't matter how hot they are. They still only have 23 years of experience to work with. When considering the factors:

Drawbacks:
1. Skill in bed (chicks in their 30's know best)
2. Fondness for bad boys (most out grow this. sign of Daddy issues)
3. Bad apartments (young = poor)
4. Annoying roommates (see above)
5. Total lack of sophistication (wine? Prime rib well done? Have you ever been to a nice restaurant?)
6. Looking for a sugar daddy.

Advantages:
1. Hot (OK, I'm shallow)
2. Naive (Unless you are a moron you should be at least 2 steps ahead of them in the relationship department.)
3. Hot (I told you I was shallow)

That is about it.

The Sherpa says if you are longing to relive a bit of your youth, take a dip in the fountain of youth. Younger women can be great- In small doses. Then again, if you are just looking for a hot young piece of ass why not go to Nevada. There are plenty of skilled professional ladies who are willing to please you legally if you got the cash. I will not judge you. In fact, shoot me a call. I'll go with you.

That's

Moron Test

2007-03-08T11:36:00.000-06:00

Signs you might be a moron

Listen for these common mispronunciations:
Libary instead of Library
Aks instead of ask
Ain’t instead of isn’t
Expresso instead of espresso
Expecially instead of especially
Supposebly instead of supposedly
Aminal instead of animal
Pronouncing the “S” in Illinois

Also listen for the misuse of words or phrases:
Irregardless instead of regardless
“I borrowed him the book” instead of “I loaned him the book”
Using the incorrect there, their or they’re
Using the incorrect yore, your or you’re

Typical behaviors or signs:
Deafening car stereo systems
Multiple body piercings
Tattoos on the face

I am not an elitist. I just no longer have any patience for stupidity.

The Platonic Boyfriend

2007-01-15T14:47:00.000-06:00

The Platonic Boyfriend

What is it?

It is a situation that you often cannot detect until it is too late. Put simply, it is when you acquire all of the responsibilities of a boyfriend with none of the benefits. We all have female friends. At least I hope we do. It is a very normal thing.
*Side note*
If you do not have any female friends you should get some.
Three reasons-
1. You can get a female perspective on things.
2. It shows other women that you are not a total psychopath.
3. Good looking women often have good looking friends (and one ugly one).

Now back to the topic at hand.
The platonic boyfriend situation occurs when the relationship starts to get unbalanced for some reason. Maybe you do want to date her or perhaps you have had a streak of bad luck. Whatever the reason, you will start to notice little things.
1. You seem to always have plans together. Even on Friday or Saturday nights.
2. When you go out it isn’t “hanging out”. There is a meal and activity.
3. She seems to get a bit upset if you make plans with other people or do not invite her along.
4. People you know start asking about you two as if you are a couple.
5. She refers to the two of you as “We”.
6. Most noticeably, all of the above is happening and there is no physical stuff or even a hint of it.

You have now become the Platonic boyfriend. Somehow you have al the emotional baggage of a relationship. It is like the boyfriend job has been split into two parts. There is the sex guy and the support guy. You are the support guy.
You do not want to be put into this position.
The reasons are obvious.
1. It is a lot of responsibility.
2. It prevents you from hooking up with other women.
3. You can get over involved with her.
4. It just plain messes with your head.
5. This is not a healthy situation.

So before you end up picking her up at the airport or help her move to a new apartment you need to put a stop to this. This can be difficult. I mean, the reason you started hanging out with her was because you thought she was cool or you were trying to hook up with her. Most of my female friends are hot. Some are in the untouchable categories. Married or dated my friends. Hmmm, I though I had more off limit categories than that… Guess not.

If you are smart you can avoid this whole situation all together. Nip it in the bud. Don’t be going out with the same female buddy too much. If you do go out with them a few times be sure to let them know it is a date. Putt the moves on them early and often. That way they know what your motivations are early in the game and there are no surprises later on.

If you do get stuck as the Platonic Boyfriend there is only one thing to do- the Platonic breakup.
This is not easy or pleasant.
It is basically a reconstruction of the friend boundaries. It is like becoming friends with an ex girlfriend, but without the part about knowing what they look like naked. I recommend just cutting down on the phone calls and putting an immediate stop to the “platonic” dates. I suggest becoming very busy at work or something time consuming. Bullshit if you must. Just remember that if you want to keep this person as a friend that lying to them might not be the best idea. The hardest part about this situation is staying friends throughout the process.
I am not going to lie.
This has not worked out the best for me. I had to do a local Platonic breakup and a long distance platonic breakup. Don’t even ask how I got into those situations. We will just chalk it up to “nice guy” syndrome. Either way it has not been pleasant.

My advice- If you want to be friends with a woman go right ahead. Hang out, have fun but avoid the Platonic Boyfriend pitfalls.
If you want to be more than friends with a woman tell her upfront. Becoming friends with her first and then trying the transition to boyfriend is NOT going to work. It screws everything up.
If you do fall for one of your female friends I suggest you do the mature and intelligent thing.
Find a chick that looks just like her and nail her. That will get it out of your system.

Blind Dates

2007-01-12T09:45:00.000-06:00

There is nothing quite like getting set up on a blind date.

It is really a very telling situation. I can’t think of an easier way to find out what your friends think of you.

The best part is when a complete monster walks through the door. It is like your friends are saying, “You like ugly chicks, right? I thought you did.” or perhaps they are saying, “This is as good looking a person as I think you deserve.” Of course, it could be that they assume you are a thoughtful enough person to look past mere physical attraction.

To my friends: I assure you, I am not that thoughtful of a person.

There has to be minimum level of attraction. I mean a genuine attraction. I do not mean the kind of attraction one feels after several beers and a shot or two. I’ll be honest. Almost any chick could get a hold of me after a few beverages. The only thing that would stop me is familial relationship or gender ambiguity. I am sure my parents are very proud of me.

Another place my friends often miscalculate is with the Blind Dates personality. They set me up with a person who has a bad laugh. Everyone knows what I mean by a bad laugh. Most people have a friend that has that awful, loud, embarrassing laugh. I like to think I can be funny at times. So this does not work out well. Other great examples of the wrong type for me are a religious person, a smoker (I just quit which makes me the worst kind of non-smoker), a person who doesn’t drink, a short chick or a quiet person. Please do not think I am too picky or that I am extremely judgmental. Keep in mind that I made out with a woman that only had one arm and that I have been the grenade man on more than one occasion.

All and all I have given up on the blind date thing. It must work in some cases. I am guessing the success rate at about 2%. It does not work for me. Do me a favor, if you have a woman you would like me to meet, just bring her out sometime. That way we can interact in a normal environment and actually see if there is a connection without all that pressure and weirdness.

It seems that my married friends have already forgotten what it is like out here in the trenches. So here are some warnings.
1. Be prepared that we may not like each other…at all.
2. Please do not pester me about “How it is going”.
3. Accept that fact I may nail her and then not call her. (I can be an A$$)

For those of us getting set up on these nightmares, Remember, deep down I think our friends are really just trying to help us out. Although, with the train wrecks I have dealt with it might make you think twice.

The dark side of "Googling" yourself

2006-12-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

I should begin by saying that I used to be a Yahoo guy. For some reason I just always used Yahoo as my search engine. However, since our President referred to using "the Google" I have been converted. Google.com is great.

One thing I like to do is "Google" myself. If you don't know, that is where you search the internet for your own name. Usually it is fun to see if there is anything out there about you. It turns out that there are a lot of people that share my name.

My namesakes have a number of interesting professions. I am a real estate agent in Burbank, California, a famous author in Canada, a coach at an Ivy League school and a bee keeper in Wisconsin. All fun, wholesome run of the mill kind of stuff.
That is until my most recent search. The last time I "Googled" myself I had a new Career...

Gay Porn Star.

I found this amusing and shocking. The shocking part is that I do not have a name the easy lends itself to the adult film industry. It isn't Harry Steele, William West or something along those lines. It is just a regular name.

When did porn stars start using regular names?

I thought part of the fun in becoming a porn star was to get a new name and persona. Of course it could be that it is someone I pissed off and they are trying to get even with me. Although I think I would remember making someone so angry that they would become a Gay Porn Star to get even with me.

Regardless, I proudly accept my new Namesake into the group. I add yet another occupation to the bizarre list of things my brethren do for a living. I wish him the best in all his endeavors and I hope that he is the best Gay Porn star that he can be.

For my sake I hope anyone I went to school with will realize that he and I are not the same person. Anyone who knows me will remember that if I ever became a Porn Star my name would be...

Spunkie Weathersfield

Civilization

2006-10-27T10:25:00.000-06:00

The only thing that separates us from the animals is that fact that we live in a civilized society (well, that and opposable thumbs). A civilized society can only exist if the people within it follow an agreed upon set of rules.

This leads me to the conclusion that we no longer live in a civilized society.
We live in a society. It is just no longer a civilized one.

I am not sure what happened to cause this shift. People may point to television or the media. Others would point to the deterioration of the family or family values. Still others would suggest it is the inevitable downward spiral of humanity. Whatever your belief, one has to acknowledge the fact we do not live in a polite society. I say polite because that what it means to be civilized. It means taking another persons feelings or comfort into consideration when making our own decisions.

I think that since the Baby Boom, after World War II, American society has been slowly getting more and more self centered and selfish. It is this single minded obsession with one’s self that has caused the disappearance of civility. Selfishness is the opposite of being polite.

The greatest problem I foresee with this situation is that there is no fix to the situation. I have found the more polite I am the more people try to take advantage of it. Rude people rely on the silence of those around them. They depend on the fact that no one is going to say anything to them when they cut in line or talk loudly on their cell phones. These days it is actually becoming dangerous to speak up. People are so confrontational, angry and unpredictable; it can literally be life threatening to confront a stranger about a situation.

I am not one of those people who idealize the past. There have always been rude and inconsiderate people. It is that our modern society seems to have built up a tolerance for it. There is a general lack of outrage at most, if not all, lack of social graces and rude behavior. It is only in the most extreme cases that people speak up.

The fact that I am genuinely surprised to encounter kindness is a telling sign. So I am resolved to be as polite as I can and to go out of my way to do a good deed at least once a week. So, next time a stranger holds the elevator for you or lets you go ahead in traffic, it might just be me. Of course, I might also be the guy at the movie theatre yelling at the person on the cell phone.

Missing in Action

2006-10-05T12:13:00.000-06:00

I owe you all an apology. I have not been very diligent at keeping this blog updated.
I would like to say that I had been captured by Amazon women and had been forced into sexual servitude for the past few months. That is what I would like to say. The reality is that I got lazy and that I had a ton of other stuff going on.
So...
I have come to a realization. I cannot grow decent facial hair.
I am old enough that I should be able to grow a moustache, goatee or beard if I so desire. However, thanks to some sort of genetic quirk I am unable to grow anything that looks normal. Currently I am sporting a goatee that has been growing for 4 weeks. It isn't good. I am going to remove it in the very near future. It was a valiant effort this time. Plenty of time, attention to detail, a new beard trimming device, however, it is just not in the cards for me.

As such, I will add growing a beard to my list of:
Reasons why it would be good for me to be stranded on a desert island.
1) I would lose weight
2) I could get a nice tan
3) I would have time to work out everyday
4) I would finally have enough time to read that indecipherable piece of shit book, Ulysses, that I have been trying to read for the better part of 4 years. James Joyce, I know you are a fellow Irishmen, but how about a few less characters and some more f@#$ing punctuation.
5) I could quit drinking for a while
6) I could quit smoking (I actually just did this but I am leaving it on the list)
7) I could grow my White guy Afro back
8) I could finally grow a beard

Anyway I hope all of you out there have a strong finish to the Dating season this year.
Remember, if you can't be with the one you love, get on her friends.

Unlikely cinematic masterpieces

2006-06-14T11:50:00.000-06:00

This is a list of movies everyone NEEDS to see. They are in no particular order. Several are from the 80's and there are a few from the 90's. Quirky, bizarre or just stupid: these movies always provide entertainment.

1) Ski School: Enjoy a drink with "Section 8", savor the crazy party scene and enjoy the pointless, sophomoric nudity.

2) Strange Brew: Bob and Doug at their best. Hosehead the dog, beer and hockey... yes it was made by Canadians. God bless them.

3) Loverboy: A young Patrick Dempsey at his best. Vic Taybac saying "That's the guy that has been porking my wife"... Priceless

4) Johnny Dangerously: Wow- a classic. Joe Piscopo is funny and the film on elephantitus is crazy.

5) The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: There are so many famous people in the cast it is crazy. The story line is great. Too bad they never made the sequel.

6) Big Trouble in Little China: Kurt Russell in the role he was born to play. Black magic, Chinatown, and a seven demon bag! This is an undiscovered treasure.

7) Ice Pirates: Alright, I'll admit this one is a little weak. However, it was the first time I saw a robot pimp in a movie.

8) Spaceballs: What can I say about this one? It is a Star Wars rip off that is genuinely funny. Prepare for Ludicrous speed.

9) Lost Boys: The only good Feldman/Haim collaboration. Great soundtrack with a young, hot Jami Gertz.

10) The Explorers: Old ass, obscure Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix movie. I think it is great. Also, they named the ship the Thunder Road.

11) Back to School: The guest appearance by Sam Kinison is awesome. The diving is fantastic and that prick from Karate kid is in it. I quote this movie a lot. Example, "Waitress, bring a pitcher of beer every 10 minutes until someone passes out, then bring one every 7 minutes."

For the record, I did not forget about Stripes, Caddyshck or The Blues Brothers. I just assumed that everyone on the planet knows that those are the greatest movies ever. My humble words could not do them justice.

So grab a few of these on DVD and save them for a rainy day this summer.
All of these movies have the Sherpa Patrol stamp of approval.

Sherpa on the move

2006-05-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

Well Folks the Sherpa is on the move.
Don't worry, I already moved everything. So no one needs to help me out. I am a Sherpa after all. I should be used to lugging heavy things around.

The new digs are nice. I almost have everything where it needs to be. Hopefully there will be some hot neighbors. In another building of course, it is a rookie mistake to screw somebody in the same building as you. That is only a hallway away from living together.

So it is time to meet new people, explore new bars and get into new and exciting trouble. So keep an eye out for new material. Until then, keep the faith!

Dry out week

2006-04-20T07:32:00.000-06:00

The Sherpa has been on a bender my friends.
I have been out every night. No prisoners, no regrets and no regard for my sanity.
I will say this: vast quantities of beer were consumed, many rules of decency were broken and the Sherpa owes one woman a thank you card.
Fun? Yes. However, there is a price to pay.
I am as tired as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. So that must mean it is time for the semi-annual Dry out week.

The rules:
No alcohol of any kind for 7 days. No smoking of any kind for 7 days.

The reason:
Just to make sure you can do it.

The benefits:
Piece of mind
Catch up on sleep
Gives the body a chance to recover

Dry out week represents the difference between being a drinker and being an alcoholic. If you can stop for a week and walk away from it, you don’t have a problem. If you get the shakes, can’t sleep or are otherwise troubled than you are no longer drinking for fun. I am not going to make fun of alcoholism here. It is really sad. It takes the fun out of drinking for the rest of us.

If you party like the Sherpa, I recommend 2 dry out weeks per year. That means you party like a rock star for 50 out of the 52 weeks in a year. Hey, give your liver a 2 week vacation. It is a small price to pay.

So for you hard core people out there: circle a day on the calendar, get some rest, and we will see you in a week. The people at the bar will be glad to see you when you get back. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Patrolling the Caribbean

2006-04-11T11:08:00.000-06:00

So I went on my first cruise. Overall, I give it a thumbs up. It was a 7 day Princess cruise. We stopped in St Thomas, St Maarten, and the Princess Cay in the Bahamas.
Usually, I prefer a leisurely vacation. Cruises are not as leisurely as one might think. Cruises are packed full of places on ship to explore, things to do and places to visit. There is always something happening on the ship: movies, contests, dancing or partying. You name it and it is happening.

The people were great. The staff really goes out their way to keep you happy. They must get judged by the liquor sales. On deck, it seemed I couldn’t go 5 minutes without someone offering to get me a drink. This is great when you are looking to get your drink on. However, it can get annoying if you are just looking to chill out.

Speaking of drinking on board, although the drinks are not free the prices were not that bad. I got into trouble with the medium sized Captain and Cokes. For $9.50 you can get a 32 ounce double Captain and Coke. Sure it sounds big, but they drink well and go down fast. They also do a good job of sneaking up on you. It wasn’t until the beginning of drink three that I began to notice I was catching a solid buzz. There was one late night bar/club. It is all the way aft on deck 18. Let me explain that to you. It is the farthest back and the highest up you can go on the ship. By the end of the cruise there were several bartenders and waiters that knew me by name. I hold that up as a testament to my people skills.

FYI for the ladies:
Do NOT get your hair braided. If you are over the age of 9 it isn’t cute anymore. The only adult woman who pulled it off well was Bo Derek. You are NOT Bo Derek. If you think that the people on the ship think you look stupid wait until the people back home get a look at you. If you want people back home to know you were on vacation just get a tan like the rest of us. Otherwise, bring in photos.
Repeat after me. I will NOT get my hair braided; I will NOT get my hair braided.

Summary of what I learned on vacation:

Good stuff
1. There are usually a lot of hot chicks by the pool
2. The Dancing Dolphin Catamaran kicks ass!
3. People from Texas are fun to party with
4. My tattoos seem very tasteful compared to what other people have put on their bodies.
5. There must be a school that turns normal guys into douche bags. This school is located in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Bad stuff
1. Don’t get into a hot tub of naked strangers
2. There is a reason people from other countries do not like Americans
3. The banana boat is a crude island torture device
4. The Fort Lauderdale airport sucks
5. Even reasonably priced drinks can get expensive when you drink enough of them

The ten degrees of being Single

2006-03-25T15:59:00.000-06:00

Here is a handy ranking system to allow men to insantly convey to each other just how deep into a relationship they are.

1. Single, no girlfriend, el Lobo Solo

2. Just started seeing someone. Typically 1 to 4 weeks.

3. Daily phone contact.

4. Seeing each other for more than 2 months.

5. Girlfriend status. Typically by 6 months.

6. You have actually attended a family function with her (yours or hers).

7. Told her you loved her.

8. Tampax in your house.

9. Told her you loved her and really meant it and/or moved in together.

10. Engaged. So long single, hello couple.

This should not be confused with how women view relationships.
I do not think we have mathmatics complicated enough to attempt to figure that out. All I know is that somewhere between date three and getting married there is a lot of gray area.

Ten great things

2006-03-23T18:43:00.000-06:00

I am currently trying to organize some of my more scattered thoughts into clean, concise lists.

The topic I have chosen to start with is...

Ten Great things about Women in General

10. Mom. There is nothing better in the world than Mom. She is the best cook. She did your laundry. She raised you. Mom rules.

9. Slow Dancing. Provided that you are old enough to be past the "spontaneous boner" stage of life, slow dancing is great. Everyone can do it. Chicks like it. Number one Sherpa slow dance song- Crazy for You by Madonna

8. Breasts. I know I have mentioned breasts a lot on the blog. However, I really never get bored of them. Cleavage is great too. If you don't know what "dipping" is than you are missing out. My motto- Beauty bounces, my friend.

7. The voice. There is something about the sound of a woman's voice. No, not the 6 months into the relationship, "Pick up your shit" voice. I am talking about that sound when you first meet them or talk to them on the phone. One word- Angelic.

6. The first kiss. Nervous energy, new territory. All good.

5. They take care of you when you're sick. This can be a blessing and a curse. They mean well guys. Just don't puke on them.

4. They will pick you up from the airport. Some guys like this perk. I have never had a woman pick me up from the airport. What if you meet a hot chick on the plane?

3. They smell great. Nothing like catching the perfume wake when a lady walks past. At work, I can tell who is walking past by the perfume. Bottom line- women smell awesome.

2. BJ's. Sure, women can have multiple orgasms but I think we got the better end on the oral sex. I don't think women understand the power they wield with these. For one of these I would go to a Reese Witherspoon movie.

1. Stacy Keibler. Sorry Angelina, you've been replaced. My God, have you seen this woman. I am a brunette man, however, this blonde is amazing. Long legs, perfect body, and she works for the WWE.

Project Ex-Girlfriend

2006-02-07T20:11:00.000-06:00

A noble experiment.

If you get lonely during the year or perhaps during an extended period between relationships, simply contact all of your ex’s from the past 2 to 3 years.

Keep in mind that this isn’t some drunk dial or random contact. You need to keep your game up at the “A” level. The goal is to re-establish contact and parlay that into a physical encounter. Remember, you are not getting back together. It is a hook up.

I recommend a well thought out email. You’ll need a believable reason why you are contacting this person. I prefer to mention some event that happened recently and somehow relate it to them. For example, “I was going through my pictures and I found one from our trip to Las Vegas” or “You remember my friends Scott and Mollie, they asked how you have been lately.”

A phone call can also be used. However, it is easier to use the email due to the fact you can perfect it before sending. A phone call and you are on your own. If you do select the phone call be sure to do it at a reasonable hour on a weekday. I suggest 7pm on a Tuesday. That is a nice, non-drunk dial time to be calling.

Whatever the bullshit reason, do not mention that you miss them, the relationship or getting back together. You are basically just checking in to see how things are going. How well this goes depends a lot on how you left the relationship. If it was a horrible break-up I suggest leaving her off the list. If it was amicable ending or a break up on decent terms then include her. If you did the breaking up, she was still into you and it ended on good terms… jackpot.

However you left it be careful when trying to pick it back up.

Some advantages to trying this project out:
1. No strings attached booty
2. Chicks dig it (their number doesn’t go up)
3. Usually pretty safe
4. Connect with old friends (haha)

Some disadvantages:
1. Can make you look desperate if not done properly
2. Provides an avenue for someone who wants to get even for something
3. You can get dragged back into a bad relationship
4. Beware the crazy factor. Most women equate sex with love on some level.

Currently it is way too close to Valentine’s Day to try this out. Although, right after Valentine's Day is not a bad idea guys.
The fifteenth of February… I can almost smell the desperation already.
It is no coincidence that February 15th is the beginning of the Dating Season.

King of the Crapper

2006-01-05T19:35:00.000-06:00

They travel among us.

You probably know at least one.

Whether you call them the King of the Crapper or refer to them by their commonly used name…

Center stallers.

These are men who insist on sitting in the center stall in the public bathroom. 99% of the time there are only 3 stalls and this guy is sitting dead center.

One has to wonder, are they that selfish?
Do they think that this will scare off other would-be Deuce droppers?
Because I can tell you, in any emergency, I will shit in the sink. If they think being in the center stall will stop me; they are dead wrong.

Are they cocky?
Do they think that they are the King of the Crapper or the Lord of the lavatory?
If it was just the fact they are arrogant pricks I might be able to deal with it. It sounds like someone might have an overactive sense of entitlement.

Or is it worse than that?
Do they like having people sit next to them while they crap?
Perhaps they find the sight of another man’s shoe only inches away soothing. Maybe they enjoy the strange smells and noises emanating from just a few feet away.

Whatever the reasons… I hate these people.

Why can’t they just do what the rest of us do? You walk into the bathroom and you go to the far stall up against the wall. That way if someone else needs to go they can always take the stall next to the urinals. Sure that stall sucks. There is always the danger that a rogue urinal user could piss on your shoe. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen.
You aren’t paying attention; your shoe is sticking out just a bit father than it should and then wham. Your shoe gets pissed on. What are you going to do about it? Pinch off that loaf and give chase? I don’t think so.

All these problems are caused by the dreaded center stallers.
Do what I do, talk to your friends and your children about this problem. It is only through education that we can eradicate the center staller.
However, in the meantime, another great tool is guilt and/or shame. If you know someone who is a center staller then call them out on it. I find that bringing it up while in mixed company is effective. Calling them out in a crowded bathroom also works.

Fight the good fight.

The Sherpa will back you up.

Ahhh... the Holidays

2005-12-02T12:40:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the extended absence.
I’ve been out walking the parapet.
Actually it is much less glamorous than that. I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
That having been said…..

First off- An apology.
I broke the rules, specifically the dating season rules.
However, I think this a great time to remind my loyal readers. Any of you left that is, that my rants are just suggestions. Should you meet someone you really connect with please proceed. If it doesn’t work out just remember to do one thing… give her my number. I love getting women on the rebound, but that is topic to be discussed another time.

The Holiday season has arrived. A time of joy and peace. Well almost, it is more like a pain in the ass. Now, I am not going to get on the bandwagon of people that say Christmas is too commercialized. I just think it is a time of year when all of us seem to suddenly have a lot of familial and financial obligations. It is for this reason I remind you all that this is also the Holiday drinking season.

The lovely folks who make distilled spirits and fermented beverages have a gift for us all this year. I encourage everyone to branch out from their usual drinking habits.

Are you a beer drinker?
Try a Crown Royal on the rocks (my favorite) or perhaps a Gin and tonic.

Do you enjoy a fine glass of wine?
Treat yourself to some Champagne or a Captain Morgan and root beer (it is really good).

A note to everyone:
It is a great time of year to try out all the coffee drinks and cordials out there.
Coffee or Hot Chocolate can be mixed with Bailey’s, whiskey or Frangelico. Just to name a few.

The point is that the Holidays stress out everyone. The weather gets bad, the family is constantly around, you forgot to buy a gift for somebody and your credit card bill required two stamps to get mailed to you.
Relax; we all are going through it.

My advice:
Pull up a bar stool. Call an old friend and hit the local bar. You’ll be surprised how many people you will see.
Not a bad time of the year for a hook up either. Just remember to be a gentleman and warm up the car before you try to show her the back of your new Ford Explorer.

A special note to the friends of the Sherpa.
At next year’s pre-Thanksgiving party: more Flippy-cup, less Circle of Death, and for God’s sake Jonno more single chicks.

Dating Season Update

2005-10-12T19:58:00.000-06:00

Note: The Sherpa’s dating season runs from February 15th through October 31st. For more information see my entry titled, “The Dating Season”.

Well, as another “Dating Season” draws to a close I would like to thank all of the ladies who participated this year. I must apologize that there were no permanent connections established. However, please do not feel bad, as each of you occupy a special place in my memory (for those of you I can remember).

I would like to remind all the rest of you single ladies that there are still 19 days left in this dating season. So technically, if we can get out on a quick date or two before Halloween, I can squeeze in a relationship for 2005.

Just a quick reminder of some of the qualities I find desirable in a woman-

First the disclaimers, a minimum age of 21 is required and, as I am 6 foot three inches tall, a minimum height requirement of 5 foot 3 inches is desired.

Other pluses include:

*Lives in Chicago Area
*Chicago Cubs fan
*Drinks beer
*Has seen Star Wars (the original)
*Cuts sandwiches on the diagonal
*Would be willing to go camping
*Will put up with my crazy friends (or at least try)
*Be willing to tell me “Don’t worry baby” like in the Beach Boys song
*Will eat Pizza with all of these toppings- Sausage, Pepperoni, Onion, and Green Peppers
*Enjoys a good “Road trip”
*Big Ten Alumni (Go Hawkeyes!)

These are just suggestions, they are not requirements. Except for the sandwich thing. If you are going to cut it in half use the diagonal cut. Trust me. It is just better.

It is 2005... where is my flying car?

2005-08-30T15:06:00.000-06:00

I was lead to believe, from a very young age, that we lived in the most technologically advanced society that ever existed. The possibilities were endless and that things would only continue to get better.

What happened?

The telephone- invented 1876
The light bulb- invented 1879
The computer (mechanical) - invented 1884
The automobile- invented 1885

All revolutionary inventions, all of them are over one hundred years old.
Sure, some things have been improved over the years but not much has been invented. Things have gotten more complex and smaller, but does that really mean it is better. If cell phones get any smaller we will have to dial them with toothpicks. I’ll concede that the improvements have been vast. Cars are more efficient and pollute less, computers are faster and can store more information and telephones are more reliable and portable. Light bulbs seem to have been perfected. I do not think we can ask more out of this humble invention. I am going on the record as pro-light bulb.

Countless television shows, Saturday morning cartoons and movies demonstrated similar, incredible ideas of the future. They all lead me, inexorably, to one question…

Where is my flying car?

They had them in all of the “Back to the Future” movies, “Blade Runner”, “Star Wars” and “The Fifth Element”. Everything seemed to work out fine. I didn’t see any accidents.

While we are on the topic there are a number of other “modern connivances” that are missing.

Where are the underwater colonies?
Why isn’t the space station completed and open for visitors?
When can we vacation on the moon?
What happened to food in tablet form? Just add water and pop a tablet in the microwave and out comes a turkey dinner complete with all the fixings.
Why don’t we all have video phones?
What ever happened to the weather controlling machine?

Now those are what I call fantastic 21st century inventions.

Here are some inventions that we desperately need invented in the very near future.
1) Electric Cars- Screw the Middle East. I hate oil. I never thought I would say this but… Ed Begley jr. was right.
2) Autodrive feature- The ultimate designated driver. So long road rage, adios traffic problems just get in your car and press the home button. Plenty of time to read, sleep or whatever. Also, it would allow me to say this more often. “Why yes barkeep, I will have another for the road.”
3) Robotic Girlfriend- On second thought, this is not a good idea. In fact, we need to actively stop this one from being invented. If they invent a realistic sex robot the human population will go extinct within 30 years. Lord help us if it can cook.
4) A cell phone with a breathalyzer- This invention is desperately needed. It could single handedly bring an end to “drunk dialing”. Simply, if you register over a certain alcohol level your phone will only allow you to dial home, emergency numbers or cab companies.

Debunking Famous Myths

2005-06-22T17:24:00.000-06:00

I think it is important for people to make up their own minds about things. That is why I ask everyone to carefully consider the following explanations I have discovered for many common and pervasive myths.

The Loch Ness Monster
Myth: A dinosaur like creature still inhabits this murky Scottish lake.

Truth: People in Scotland drink a lot. Then they start seeing shit. There is a reason that stuff is called Scotch. Also, there wasn't a lot of tourism before "Braveheart" came out.

The "G" Spot
Myth: The is a spot on a woman that can induce intense and/or multiple orgasms with very little effort.

Truth: Don't be silly. Everyone knows that women do not have orgasms. Now this myth was created by Feminists and perpetuated by over-acting porno actresses. For the record, I have known some Oscar worthy women.

Bigfoot
Myth: There is a large, furry, man like creature with big feet that lives in the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest. Similar creatures appear in many other cultures and countries. They go by many names including the Yeti or Sasquatch.

Truth: These creatures really do exist, but in very small numbers. Which is a shame because they are quite tasty.

Size
Myth: Women do not care about the size of a man's penis. They care more about his skill as a lover or compatibility as a companion.

Truth: Sorry pin dick. This is a total lie. I should also mention that money is very important as well. As well as a fancy car, fancy house, and plenty of petty cash. It is, however, true that women do like a sense of humor. Provided it comes with all the rest of the other stuff.

Alien Abduction
Myth: Advanced alien civilizations visit the Earth. They often abduct humans and perform bizarre experiments on them. The most famous of which is the anal probe.

Truth: People get drunk, People black out & lose time and people make up stories. I would have an easier time believing aliens abduct cars. At least that would explain my car never seems to be where I left it. Especially after I have been out drinking. Hmmm... maybe aliens invented alcohol to be able to mess with us.

Creationism
Myth: "God" created the entire Universe about 4000 years ago. He accomplished this mighty feat in 6 days. He rested on the 7th.

Truth: The Earth, as well as the rest of the Universe, was created millions of years ago following an enormous cosmic explosion. Over time, the Universe grew, expanded and formed into distinct regions, stars and planets. Eventually life formed and altered by the passage of time and natural selection life EVOLVED into what it is today.

*Special note to Creationists: You find evolution hard to believe? However, you have no problem accepting that an all powerful God, who will not reveal himself, created the Earth, the Universe and mankind. While still finding time to impregnate a virgin while in the form of a dove? Perhaps you should just accept the fact that we exist for only a moment in the Universe and try to have some fun.

The Ten Most Important & Overlooked Inventions Ever

2005-04-14T19:26:00.000-06:00

Forget the lightbulb, I can see just fine during the day. These things are truly important. In no particular order...

1) The Thermos: This thing is damn handy. It can keep cold stuff cold or hot stuff hot. They come in a variety of sizes. Everyone should have one of these. A must have for a college tailgate party.

2) The Zipper: Can you imagine any other fastener on your pants. These things are on jeans, jackets, coats, back packs and about a million other things. Sure occasionally they can get jammed up but all and all a great invention. Except for the time I accidentally got my "little Sherpa" caught in it. I'll tell you, zipping it in doesn't hurt nearly as much as zipping it out. Yowza!

3) Beer / Booze / Hooch: What can I say about this stuff? It is proof of God. It has been around since the dawn of time. I have no idea what tiny hominid came up with this stuff but I want to give that hairy, smelly little guy a hug. I would type more but I am getting a little misty eyed. Sniff, sniff.

4) Coffee: It is the opposite of beer. Here is a formula, Ground coffee beans + Hot water = Happy wake up juice. Try to imagine a Saturday morning without coffee.

5) The automatic scoring machine for bowling: I will admit this, keeping score at bowling can be a little confusing. My guess is that only 10% of the American population can do it. That having been said, this machine has opened up bowling in a very important way. Now the scorekeeper can get just as loaded as everyone else. Speaking as a former scorekeeper, Thank you automatic score machine!

6) Shoes: This has got to be close to the first tool ever made. I think it went spear and then shoes. Our ancestor's feet had to hurt after chasing prey around. My favorite shoe of all time, still the Converse Chuck Taylor Allstar Hi-top.

7) Jenga: This is a personal favorite. Two words- Drinking Jenga!

8) The Bikini / Tube top: They really help women. During the Summer these clothing items help keep ladies cool and comfortable. They can help get rid of tan lines. Can you imagine a state fair, carnival or Theme park without these clothing items. Also cleavage rules!

9) Standup Comedy: A bold chance to express one's comedic ideas to a group of strangers. Live comedy is the best. That is a fact. If you have never seen live standup, go immediately! (We miss you Mitch Hedburg)

10) Chewing Gum / Bubble Gum: Tasty, portable, many flavors. It also comes in handy when one is trying to quit smoking. Like me. Also, everybody likes gum.

Honorable Mentions For The Worst Inventions Ever:

1) Stoplight cameras: Hey if you want to give me a ticket you have to be there and catch me.

2) The FCC: I love it when the Government tells me what is safe for me to see or hear.

3) Tollways: I am from the Chicago area. I think this is purgatory. Screw the tollways!

4) Hallmark Holidays: Hey Hallmark, quit making trouble for us guys. I.E. Sweetest Day.

5) Last Call: I used to work in a bar. I know that the bars can't stay open all night. However, I really do hate last call when I am having a good time.

So, its your birthday? Well good for you.

2005-04-01T19:45:00.000-06:00

So it has come to my attention more and more lately. People seem to have forgotten that everyone has a birthday. Notice that is a singular term; not birthdays or birth week.
I am not sure when this phenomenon began. Although, I am sure it was born of the narcissistic 1980's. Seeing as how most parents have been tricked into thinking that telling their kids they are the center of the Universe is a good idea. These days it is in full bloom.
Many people seem to think everyone is obligated to dedicate a whole week each year to their birthday.

While we are on the topic of birthdays, what is the deal with singing "Happy Birthday" at restaurants?
Every single time I go out there is at least one or two crappy renditions of that song being sung. Usually to some moron by a bunch of waiters and waitresses who would much rather spit in the customers food than sing that stupid song. I have worked in the restaurant business. Let me tell everyone a little secret. We hate you birthday a$$holes.
Who decided that a private celebration of one's birthday should be a public event that is forced on a bunch of strangers? Another thing, just because it is your birthday why does the restaurant or the bartender need to buy you a dessert/drink?

Here's an idea, on your birthday go out with a bunch of your friends. Perhaps if you are lucky a friend will plan a party for you. Do not make strangers sing "Happy Birthday" to you. To tell you the truth I don't even like it when my family and friends sing it to me. First, it is a stupid song. Second, my friends can't sing. Third, everyone stares at you. Fourth, someone always adds an extra verse they learned in third grade. Here is what I have done on my last few birthdays. First I stop at my favorite bar in Chicago for a pre-party Mai Tai. Next we go to dinner somewhere nice. After that it is off to the races. A mini bar crawl. Usually two or three bars is all it takes. Ah yes, birthday drunk. Bring a camera.
Some advantages of this plan:
1) It is easy for people to meet up with you throughout the night.
2) If one bar is slow you can simply move along.
3) New bartenders at each bar mean one thing. They have no idea how loaded you already you are.
4) You can keep the beginning of the party really small and then have a large group by the end of the night.
5) New people at each bar.
6) Your friends will buy you drinks if you are out and about.
7) Being out at bars means no clean up at home.

So just remember everybody.
One birthday, per person, per year.
Don't tell the waiter to sing to you or your buddy.
And party like the Sherpa and you shall find nirvana...
or at the very least a good buzz!

The Dating Season

2005-02-15T18:55:00.000-06:00

Unlike most mammals, human beings do not have a distinct mating season. Pretty much year round if you are lucky. However, this is not the case with the Sherpa. Over the years, I have developed a specific "Dating Season". It runs from February 15th through October 31st. If I have not already started seeing a woman in that time period I am not going to try and start something. November 1st through February 15th, no way, forget it.
Let me explain--

If you were to try and start dating someone in the "off season" you are going to run into Holiday problems. Specifically, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day. All of these holidays are wonderful chances to spend time with your girlfriend or wife, but not with that girl you have gone out with three times. Like it or not she will try and rope you into going to dinner with her family on at least one of these occasions. Meeting parents can be awkward. It can be especially awkward if all you know about their beloved daughter is that she will do oral on the second date-- provided the car is parked and she has had a minimum of 2 jager bombs.

Another problem is gift giving. If you have only been dating for a month what the hell do you get her for Valentine's Day? **sidebar: don't even get me started on this "holiday". Created for women, perpetuated by women and is really just an excuse to try and squeeze some jewelry out of a guy**. Whatever you get her for Valentine's day will be inevitable compared to A)what past men have given her, B)what her girlfriends received and C)what she expected to get. Don't worry, whatever you get her will not be enough. In addition, do you sign the card "Love, The Sherpa". After a month you sing "love" really? Not a chance I say. Another thing what if her birthday falls during the off season. Do you get her something for that as well. In my opinion, this is starting to sound like extortion. I am not a cheapskate. That having been said, I like to buy gifts for people when I feel it necessary. Not because Hallmark has stacked the calendar.

After years of dealing with awkward situations I have found the best way to deal with these Holiday "traps" is to suspend dating new people after October 31st.
Why Halloween you ask?
I'll tell you why... I usually get laid on Halloween. There are three reasons that usually happens.
1) It is the one holiday where being original and creative is rewarded.
2) People are always are bit more adventurous when in costume.
3) Ugly girls are wearing masks.
Why restart after Valentine's day?
I'll tell you why... Well, there are no big holidays until the beginning of Summer. Also, I hate Valentine's day. So I will take any excuse to skip it.

Gentlemen, you may be asking yourself, "Should I adopt a Dating Season of my own?".
Here are some of the benefits:
1) Gives you more free time around the holidays.
2) Helps save money around the expensive Holiday season.
3) Gives you a chance to catch up on all the new pornography.
4) Makes you more mysterious to the ladies. Chicks like being ignored occasionally.

Keep in mind this isn't a moratorium on Women. I am specifically referring to Dating not mating. I still think hooking up with that girl from Accounts Payable at the office X-mas party or making out with that random blonde on New Year's eve is exactly what you should be doing. Party, get your groove on, do whatever it is you do, just use good judgment. Just use your fake bar name or string her along until February 15th. Do your best kids.

As I check the calendar today I see that it is February 15th.
So hide the women and change the linen,
The Sherpa is back on patrol!!

Points of parliamentary procedure and common courtesy

2005-01-18T18:38:00.000-06:00

Upon the urgings of my dear friend the "Weedman", I offer my insights on how to get along with people in the world. More specifically, how to avoid provoking The Sherpa.

1. While driving: when your lane ends. YOU must merge. Turn on your turn signal and move over ASAP. Do not ride your lane out until it ends and you are about to smash into another driver. Your lane ended, you deal with it.

2. While Shopping: 10 items or less. Stay out of this lane unless you have 10 items or less. A six pack of beer counts as 1 item because it is rung up as 1 item. If it gets rung up separately they count as separate items. 11 to 12 items, we'll let it slide. 13 items, you are pushing your luck. 14 items, Piss off!

3. If a member of the opposite sex buys you a drink at a bar/pub you must at least acknowlegde the drink. Wave a thank you, go over and say thanks. Do something. Unless they are really creepy. Of course, if a really hot women sends me a drink I usually sleep with them, call me old fashioned.

4. When you are in line somewhere, for example the Post office or airport, leave some space between you and the person ahead of you in line. It doesn't need to be a large space, just enough so that you are not on top of the other person.

5. Gentlemen- hold the door open for ladies, women with children and the elderly. Just do it. Stop being an a**hole!

6. At the office: If you take the last cup of coffee or if there is only a small amount left, MAKE MORE COFFEE. If I find out who isn't doing this at my office I will kill their family.

7. At the movies: turn off your cell phone. Do not shut the ringer off or set it to vibrate, shut it off. I didn't pay $10 to hear your stupid P. Diddy ringer. Also if there is something going on in your life that is so important you can't shut your phone off, why are you at the movies?

8. Cigar smokers: If you are at a cigar bar or bar that allows cigars, smoke up. If you at around people who are eating or at a bar that doesn't allow cigars (hint: most don't), put it out. In fact, why don't you just go home and stick it up your a**.

9. Cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Life is not a giant snot slinging contest, junior!

10. Number 9 reminds me of this. Carry a handkerchief. They are quite handy. There is a reason gentlemen used to always carry these with them. Hell, if I could carry a towel with me I would (thank you Ford Prefect).

11. Stop throwing garbage out of your car into the street. It is called littering. You are part of the problem. I hope you get cancer.

12. Don't sleep with your buddy's sister. It is not cool. Unless you are going to marry her do not do it. However, if you can get her to make out with you, more power to you.

13. Men: do not bring a camera to a bachelor party. What possible good could come of it? If you are that hard up for pictures of naked whores I've got some great photos of your mom I can share.

14. Married People: Not all of your single friends like getting pictures of your kids on a Christmas card. The whole family is good but not just a solo of the kids. Sometimes I have no idea who these cards are from. Especially when it only says "Merry Christmas from all of us" inside.

Highlights for Low Lifes

2005-01-07T19:56:00.000-06:00

The Dive Bar Review--
Dive bars, like a fine wine, are an aquired taste. Some things that tend to make a bar a "dive". They are usually older, a bit run down, on the smaller side and very local. Here are several suburban dives that I have called home at one time or another.

1. The Neighborhood Inn in Hoffman Estates. What is there to say, we call this place "the Hood". A loud smoke filled bar. One soft tipped dart board that is usually in play. A decent jukebox but with Karokee on Thursday, Friday and Saturday night it is off until late night most of the time. Friendly bartenders (Paulie rules!) and cheap beer make the place tolerable. Last call isn't until around 3am on the weekends so the usual crowd can vary. Most of the time it is populated with locals, bartenders and waiters who just got off work and the occasional off duty cop or biker.
Drink recommendations: Jager Bombs, the draft beer isn't too bad.

2. Bungalow Joes in Streamwood. I know one of the bartenders so it is always a decent time for me(also, she's really hot). Sometimes this place has a cover on the weekends. It is for the live band that is always way too loud. Get to this bar early on the weekends if you want to sit at the bar. The place is small and the bar is small so the seats go quickly. The back room has several booths and a few pool tables. This place is a real dive. It isn't too tricky to get into a fight here, even if you aren't trying. It does last call late (3am I think) and it opens early at 8am every morning. Nothing like getting loaded with third shifters at 8am. This is definatley not a dive you want to try out on your first time. It can get a little rough and the joint is a little worn down.
Drink recomendations: Bottle beer only.

3. The Chili Pub in Schaumburg. Last call at 3:30am. Wagon wheels on the walls. A local joint that really does have good chili. This is actually a pretty decent place to hang out. It is a bit old school and it is a local place. They don't put up with a lot of crap here, but the staff is nice so the crowd is friendly most of the time. Because it is open so late the crowd can sometimes tend to be a bit wasted. In fact, I was there recently and I was pretty loaded. It is also on the small side but there are plenty of nooks and cranny's to sit down in. Downside, no waitresses so you have to get your drinks from the crowded bar.
Drink recomendations: Bottle beer. Wasted? Get some chili.

4. Easy Street Pub in Schaumburg. I have saved the best for last. I actually frequent this place quite a bit. Some names have been changed to protect identities.
The bar's motto is "I love this place". There is plenty of local history. It is one of the oldest buildings in town. In the past it has served as a church, a restaurant, a brothel and for the last 30 years or better a local bar. Whenever I go in there it feels like a high school reunion. All good local bars in a person's home town should feel like that. They have classed the joint up a lot the last few years. They took down all the bras that used to hang from the ceiling. This place is like two seperate bars. One half has the games and a few tables. By games I mean fooz ball, pool, and a bunch of steel tip dart boards. Did I mention that all the games are free? The other half of the bar is the bar side. A long bar with a bunch of tables and one booth. Anything can happen in here. I was in here recently (just before I went to the Chili pub actually) and we were drinking. Me and several of my drinking buddies (BC & PL you know who you are) ended up getting the beneficial end of the bartenders boredom. It seems that the barkeep and a patron(Hi, Mike) were trying to figure out how to make some new shots. All of their "mistakes" found there way down to us. Nothing like a lost weekend. I have seen many things in this bar. Old friends from high school and junior high, the town drunk ("good morning"), public nudity (mmm, flapjacks), and the usual bar stool olympics (the dismount is always the worst). Do I love this place? You bet!
Hang out in here long enough and you will experience what we affectionatley call "An Easy Night"
Drink recommendations: Bottle beer, any of the "new" shots( I prefered the "Pink Pussy").

Tips for hanging out in a Dive
*Don't draw too much attention to yourself. you are already an outsider.
*Don't flash cash but pay as you go
*Make friends with the bartender(friendly chat, don't annoy them)
*Don't pick a fight. Most people in here probably know each other so you ARE outnumbered.
*Enjoy the local flavor. Talk to the toothless guy, listen to the story from the guy with the Mullet, and do a shot with the lady who's haircut is from 1987. You'll feel better about yourself, do stay away from the weirdos.
*Beer drinkers- order bottles. Tap beer in most dives is nasty.
*Look at what booze they have behind the bar before you order. If this is a "Shot & a beer" joint do not order a Shirazz or Cosmopolitan.

The Tao of the Drinking game

2005-01-06T21:09:00.000-06:00

Drinking games are a time honored tradition. In my group of friends they are mandatory. We stay away from a lot of the typical crap. These are some sitdown games and some games you can play on unsuspecting people while you are out and about. Here are several of my favorites. Please feel free to play them yourself.

1. Drinking Jenga. This has grown in popularity, especially at college. All you need to do is take a regular Jenga (the block stacking game) and write drinking commands on one side. For example, "Guys drink 2" or "Chug your beer" or "Reverse play". Make them simple and/or obnoxious. I suggest leaving several blank. That way you can customize the Jenga with each new group of people who play. In fact, you can have a party to "Initiate" the Jenga.

2. The Bon Jovi game. Now this one is childish. However, it can also be a lot of fun. This game is nice for a friendly wager between friends. Usually me and my friends, Scott and Jay, would run this game on women at bars. It is quite simple. All you need to do is quote Bon Jovi lyrics to women without getting caught. You can go big or go small. She asks you what you are doing tonight, you say "Livin' on a prayer". It helps if you know a lot of Bon Jovi songs. That would explain why Jay was always very good at it. Try it sometime. It helps if you've been drinking for this one.

3. Fake Professions. Now this isn't always a game. I have gotten quite tired of women from Lincoln Park asking me what I do for a living. This is usually as polite as these broads get when it comes to directly asking "How much money do you make?". The women I am referring to are particuarly shallow. This is why I take delight in giving them bizarre professions. This way I get to see the expression on thier faces as they try and decide if I make enough money a year to talk to. My favorite fake profession is a Manaquin designer.

4. The Bodyguard. This works best if there are several guys going out. Quite simply, pretend to be guarding one of your group. If people ask who it is tell them they are someone who is famous or sounds famous. Brad Pitt's younger brother Brian, Jimmy Fallon's cousin John or make up a name and tell them you are on the new season of Survivor. It works best when everyone is wearing nicer clothes and several of your buddies are a bit on the larger side. My brothers and friends are all over 6 feet tall so this one is easy for us.

These are a few of the old standards. Be careful. Don't get your ass kicked playing Bodyguard.

Local Sherpa Celebrates Birthday

2004-12-31T13:07:00.000-06:00

Greetings all. The holidays have possessed me and I have been unable to get to the blog. Between constantly eating and spending all my free time involved in some sort of family event I have managed to squeeze in yet another birthday. My birthday is on December 29th. I survived, and hey getting older beats the alternative. It was pretty low key this year. Due to the timing of my brithday (in between Christmas weekend and New Years weekend) I won't be celebrating it until early January. I'll be sure to post some information about what bars we will be visiting. I am sure that there will be several good stories to come out of that night.
Also, I am working on some new projects.
A quick preview of things to come:
Join the Sherpa Patrol, become a card carrying member & The dive bar review

You want cheese on that?

2004-12-07T19:49:00.000-06:00

So the Sherpa prefers hamburgers to cheeseburgers. Not a statement that should cause much of a stir. In fact, a pretty insignificant observation. However, to the fast food industry this must be a giant middle finger staring at them.

Over the last few months I have been trying to eat healthier, so I have been avoiding fast food. That having been said, whenever I do go out for a burger the Fast food conglomerates have been conspiring against me. No matter what I do McDonalds and Burger King insist on giving me cheeseburgers.
These S.O.B.'s take my order, they just can't seem to make my order. It seems like a small thing, but these companies advertise that I can "get it my way" or that "I'm loving it". Well, I am not loving it.

Nothing makes this situation better than the drive-thru. That way I can get all the way home before I discover those bastards gave me the wrong thing again. I have even gone back to the restaurant on one occasion to get the correct order. It was at this point the counter guy asked me, "Did you check your order before you pulled away?". What the hell does that mean? I thought that was the employee's job. Well, get me a paper hat sherlock, I am on the job. I am sorry to rant like this but seeing as how it happens to me about 75% of the time I feel I earned the right to vent.

Now, the good news. Kids, there is a oasis of fabulous fast food out there. It is called Wendy's. First of all, I always get the right order, even in the drive-thru. Second, the burgers are really good. They even ask if you want cheese or not. Third, I have recently discovered something wonderful. Meal #6, the Spicy Chicken sandwich. Holy crap is this thing good. Go out and try one for yourself.

So what have I learned out of all of this?
1) The spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's is the holy grail.
2) McDonalds and Burger king are the anti-christ.
3) Apparentley I get worked up over really small things.

Let's stop and get a drink.

2004-11-19T20:06:00.000-06:00

So, you want to drink with the Sherpa?

Here are a few places I like to stop for a drink while visting downtown Chicago.
First, are you early and/or late for the train at Union Station? Well Whiskey Blue in the W hotel is open late. The drinks are a bit expensive but often times there are some good looking women there. A special note, people seem to be the trendy type in here so wear black. Trust me.

Second, The Berghoff on Adams. This joint has been here forever. It also has Chicago liquor license #1. This is the first place to legally sell booze after prohibition ended. The beers are good, the bartenders wear ties and are usually short. They are also very nice and they do this for a living so be nice to them. Also, I recommend standing at the bar. Do not sit at a bar stool. In fact, this used to be the only bar in the city without bar stools. I am mad they have them now. So please make the Sherpa happy and stand while you drink your beer. I recommend this as a great middle of the day bar. Try cruising in around 2pm and grab a beer. Have some pretzels, they are tasty.

Third, The Boss in River North. My brother, Pettifogger, and I discovered this place one warm summer night while drunk off our asses. A few things to mention, the bar has great,cheap,late night hamburgers. The bartenders, usually "hooters" type chicks, can be a little slow to get you a drink and enjoy checking thier make-up a lot. However, there is usually an eclectic group of people in here. It is open until 4am. During the summer the front wall, a gargage door, is swung open to provide a nice "beer garden on the street" effect. It is located in the heart of River North so you can stagger most anywhere. The Sherpa recommends stopping by inbetween other bars or as a last stop of the night.

Finally, I only mention this one last because I was hesitant to mention it at all. I kind of want to keep this one to myself. Trader Vic's in the basement of the Palmer House Hilton. This isn't just a Tiki bar, this is the Tiki Bar. This place is a classic. My parents used to go here when they were younger. This is my favorite place to start off a night. The drinks are expensive but strong. Two or three Mai Tai's and you will be feeling it for sure. I also enjoy the Simoan Fogcutter & Mehunee Juice (the spelling might be off on that one). I prefer to stay in the bar area. I recommend getting one of the small, intimate tables. This is a great place to go with a date or small group of no more than 4 people. Do not bring a ton of people to this place. It is a bit on the classier side and the bar is small. On Thursday and Friday nights in the early evening they also have free appetizers in the bar area. Another nice factor to this bar, it is in the basement under a large stone and steel building. So most cell phones don't really work well down there. Thank God!!! Finally a safe haven.

So please be sure to meet me out for a drink. No, I don't mind if you join me. Just pick up the next round and we can get loaded like old friends.

Where is the Sherpa?

2004-11-15T18:08:00.000-06:00

For those of you who follow the Sherpa Patrol, you may have noticed I haven't posted anything in a while. My apologizes. I have been kept busy recently by work, the election and some ministerial duties. I am working on a couple of new stories. However they are not quite ready. So stay tuned whilst I walk the parapet of creativity.

Patrolling in New Orleans

2004-10-21T19:54:00.000-06:00

Well four full days in New Orleans. The French Quarter(Vieux Carre) specifically. This being my second time visiting the historic city, I thought I was prepared for it. Not a chance.

The Good:
Drinking. Down here it is a sport.
First, throughout the whole French Quarter you can carry your drink around with you. The only rule is no glass or cans, it must be in a plastic container. Me, I like this rule. No broken glass or homeless collecting cans.
Second, during the day the drink specials are insane. 3 for 1 beers or mixed drinks. Contests for free shots. I won several shots for identifying TV theme songs. Thank you to the Utopia bar and the Love Boat theme!
Third, Hurricanes at Pat O'Briens. This bar is world famous. There are several different rooms to experience. A traditional bar, an outdoor patio and a piano bar with dueling pianos just to name a few. Also, for you movie buffs, several scenes from "Interview with the Vampire" were filmed in here. I recommend stopping by if you ever visit New Orleans.

The Bad:
1. Expensive, Shabby hotels. Hint-Historic means old and cramped.
2. Bathrooms so dirty they make you long for a Turkish prison.
3. Swamp Ass. Need I say more?
4. The town itself is old. This means it is a bit worn and run down. It is best viewed at night with a nice buzz on. Much like that girl, Amy, I slept with two years ago.
5. It can be a bit dangerous. Always have one friend stay sober enough to get you home.
6. Not too many women were flashing the boobs on Bourbon Street. I hardly saw a single breast, not to mention a full set. The last time I visited(also not during Mardi Gras) plenty of ladies were willing to show the twins or in some cases, make-out for a set of beads. This may have been a fluke.

The Ugly:
Now there are a couple of very nice Gentlemen's clubs on Bourbon Street. Unfortunately, I did not go to those clubs. Instead , I went to the two worst strip clubs I have ever encountered. They were so bad I may never go to a strip club again. The first one was full of very unattractive "dancers". To call this place a thinly disguised brothel is an insult to thinly disguised brothels. I can't really say much more. The vibe of this place, combined with the ugly hookers and questionable bouncers made it scary.
The second one was a little off of Bourbon Street. It seemed interesting when my brothers and I walked past it. Upon entering we were confronted with a single room. A long bar stretched across the left side of the room and behind it was a small wooden stage with a wall mirror behind it. The only thing else behind the bar was a dirty looking bar keep and his cheap liquor. We sat down and ordered three bottles of beer. At this point, the bar keep walked over to a table with two strung out women at it and poked one of them saying, "We got customers." One woman stood and proceeded to slide behind the bar and shake off her clothes as she climbed the three steps to the top of the stage. Now I had never seen someone really strung out before, but I am certain that I have now. To make a long story short, the bar keep told us a tale of how he used to be a jockey in the horse racing circut, the strung out dancer finished swaying to one song and came over to us trading unwanted kisses for tips, and we chugged our beers and ran.

Which brings me to the Sherpa Patrol: New Orleans TIP OF THE TRIP. Boobs seem to be getting harder to find from strangers on Bourbon Street. However, they are quite easy to find on shot girls. At some point, the shot girls at the Bourbon Street bars became a hybrid. Part shot girl, part stripper and part annoying person that will not leave you alone. Now, they will show you their tits. They will also give you a lap dance or even something better. What is the catch you ask? They will not leave you alone until you buy an expensive shot. Usually two for you and two for them as well. Despite the hard sell on shots I think I enjoyed spending time with these ladies the most.

My final view of Bourbon Street. In the murky pre-dawn hours, a cab slowly drives my brothers and I up Conti Street and out of the French Quarter. As we approach the stop sign at Bourbon street I notice two ladies loitering with purpose in front of a deserted bar. As we pass them I realize that these are two of the nastiest male prostitutes I have ever seen.
New Orleans, I miss you already.

My friend Jimmy Thundersox

2004-10-21T12:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you that live in the "normal" world he may seem odd. To a person like me, The Sherpa, he is just one of the guys. I have an old buddy from high school who lives out West. He goes by the moniker, Jimmy Thundersox. He is an artist, cartoonist, political observer, a card carrying member of M.O.A.V and a hell of a good guy to know. You may have noticed that he replies to my posts every now and then. Anyway he has just revamped his web site and I encourage anyone who likes my "vibe" to check him out. If you aren't into politics check out his cartoons and other stuff.

www.nocodestudios.com

Also, not to be out done. My brother has an enjoyable blog. Many amusing links and stories. Check his out too. You will not be dissappointed.

http://pettifogger.blogspot.com

New Orleans

2004-10-10T14:05:00.000-06:00

Hey, would you like to see the Sherpa and his brothers drinking on Bourbon Street live on the internet?
Thanks to modern technology it is now possible. Simply log onto this Web Camera at 1:00pm( Central Standard Time) on Thursday October 14th. We are the three tall guys right in front.

http://www.nola.com/bourbocam/classic/index.ssf/still

If the link will not redirect you, copy the link address and paste it into your address bar, then hit go. It should work.

An open letter to Canadians

2004-09-30T13:45:00.000-06:00

Greetings to my friends up North!

I was wondering. What does an American need to do to get a 4 year visa? I am sure I am not the first one to ask. Surely your government has some sort of "presidential term" special. I only need to be gone for the length of one American Presidential term(if Bush wins). I have been to your lovely country a few times. I think I could adjust easily to the culture. It is similar to America with a few exceptions. I suppose I could get used to : the metric system, polite people, clean streets, a lower crime rate, better beer, and attractive women. Damn, why haven't I moved to Canada already?!

Don't get me wrong, I love America. It is just that if George Bush jr. wins another 4 year term I know a lot of crazy suff is going to happen. First, we will invade Iran. You know we will, and that is all we need, more crazy fundementalist muslims after us. Second, the military draft will be reinstated. Don't worry, I am sure the Bush daughters already have a position lined up in the Texas National guard. Third, Bush will alienate the rest of our allies. I don't think even Tony Blair could take another Bush term of office(and Blair has stuck his neck out really far for us already).

So Canada I ask, can I crash on your couch for 4 years? I'll pay for my own groceries. I don't stay out late during the week. I'll chip in for rent and utilities. Come on, it will be fun.

Road Trip

2004-09-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

There is nothing like a road trip to make you feel good. I recently drove the 235 miles from my house to Iowa City and back. It is a largely uneventful drive. However, I find it quite relaxing. It took me about 3 hours and 15 minutes. I'd like to thank the guy in the BMW and the guy in the mustang for driving like maniacs. It made speeding behind you a lot easier. I think I averaged about 80 mph the whole way.
For those of you who attended a college I can say this, things are still the same. The women are pretty but they are 21, so good luck actually having a conversation. The guys are still college guys. Just look for the group of morons with the baseball hats on backwards.
All and all a good trip.

Is this heaven? No, its Iowa.

2004-09-17T09:13:00.000-06:00

I am a graduate of one the best colleges around, The University of Iowa. It is this lovely place I return to this weekend. I used to get back to town at least 6 times a year, but lately I have been slacking off quite a bit. I will be staying with my buddy Ron. His girlfriend is out of town this weekend so I think we can really cut loose. Old school style.

What does one do in Iowa City, Iowa?
Good question. I am planning on going to the Wig and Pen pizza pub for a Flying Tomato pizza. If you ever get to Iowa City, Iowa please stop in to this place. I used to work there while I was in college. Great food, great staff, great owner( Dick is the best) but it is also a refreshingly original pub. A second place I must visit, Dolls. A tasteful strip club located in the industrial park near the interstate. Dolls has atrractive, nude women, decently priced beer and 75 cent pool. Who can beat that. My brother and I used to frequent this establishment after spending all day swimming and patrying at a state park nearby. To him I say this- beware the duck blind! The rest I will just figure out as I go and I will report back anything interesting that the Sherpa Patrol encounters.

So to all of you readers of Sherpa Patrol I say this... hold on to your wigs and keys and have a great time this weekend.

Movies, Cell Phones and the fall of Western Civilization

2004-09-14T12:13:00.000-06:00

So it is official. I am convinced that we are in the downward spiral that every great civilization eventually suffers. There is a reason that the great societies of the past eventually ended or fell. There must be some sort of generational limit to a society. Eventually each generation, by way of pissing off the generation before it, ends up totally destroying the whole thing. I have two prime examples of the fact that the United States, an idealistic free republic, is now just another annoying frigging Gap commercial.
I went to the movies on Sunday night. I spent $9 on a ticket, and $3.50 on medium sized Coca-cola. I didn't get a snack because they don't sell Junior mints at the movies anymore. Don't even get me started on that one. Anyway, it seems that everyone takes the dimming of the house lights as a cue to start chatting. Am I the only person who goes to the movies to watch the movie? I am refraining from commenting on the following items because this post would go on forever: The couple that brought their infant, the people who showed up 15 minutes late and complained about the difficulty in finding a seat, the guy who didn't shut off his cell phone,the people behind me in line who stood so close to me I could feel thier breath on my neck, the girl behind us who spilled her drink, and those are just a few. I am begining to think shut-ins have the right idea. American society, as a whole, has turned into a rude, self centered brat that really needs to get its ass kicked. No time out, a sound beating.
That having been said, what the hell do children need cell phones for? I was at a fest over Labor Day weekend and there were tons of young children with cell phones. I didn't get a cell phone until I was 24 and even then I did it with some reluctance. What the hell do two 12 year olds have to say to each other that is so urgent. I know what I would have used a cell phone for when I was a kid, coordinated toilet paper and egg attacks on local homes. I don't even want to know what kids with out of control hormones are using them to coordinate. I hope I do not sound too old but it can't just be me. I really do think this current generation is spoiled rotten. Remote controls, cell phones, computers, the internet, laser eye surgery, invisble braces where is the torture I went through as a boy.
All these signs of the decline are merely symptoms of a larger problem. Take a look at the source of these problems. Our government has seen fit to install cameras everywhere to record our every move, for our protection. We have the Patriot Act which eliminates many of our civil rights, for our protection. Hell, our President has invaded countries, for our protection. Wow we must be the safest country around huh? Anyone want to know how this is going to end? Well I don't want to spoil the ending but read 1984 by Orwell. While you're at it re-read Brave New World by Huxley, as well. Then try to get to sleep at night. I didn't sleep well for a week.

Worship my shiny tooth!

2004-09-10T09:46:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am sorry to admit I have been very busy this week. So there have been no posts. Part of the reason can be blamed on my tooth. Earlier in the week I broke a tooth. Yes, that's what I thought. Teeth are not supposed to break. Well I am here to say that they do. After some extensive drilling and a whole lot of big hands in my mouth, I have emerged with a temporary crown. As I held my mouth open last night and stared at this very shiny metal crown I marveled at technology. I also felt a bit like Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The part where he defeats Darth Vader and then looks at Vader's missing hand and then stares at his own artificial hand and then slowly realizes that he too is becoming less human and more machine. Anyway the point is this is the first real body modification I have ever had. Sure a tattoo here and there but that is just a little ink. Until yesterday I was very proud of the fact I was 100% origonal parts. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in body part heaven my tooth is spending time with my other body parts that have passed on... my baby teeth, all my shorn locks, and yes, even that elusive foreskin that was taken from me when I was a child (without my permission I might add). So to all of you I say this, hold onto to your precious body parts. Just don't play with them in public.

Some Sherpa Haiku

2004-09-02T12:01:00.000-06:00

Haiku is a wonderous expression of the soul. A three line poem with a alternating syllabic structure, 5, 7, 5. Often, Haikus contain an element of nature. I find that Haiku is an excellent poetic device for everyone to enjoy. It is short, simple and elegant. It is a lot more accesable than sonnets, and requires more disipline than free verse. Please consider the following poems for your enjoyment.

The cold refreshes me.
I gently awake, confused
Passed out in the tub again

I wake suddenly
there is an awful smell here
I must have farted

I approach climax.
The door suddenly opens.
Doesn't anybody knock?!

Once I swallowed
A quarter, it didn't hurt but...
"Ever crap out change?"

Women don't like me
I seem to make them nervous.
I should stop flashing.

She bathes in the nude.
She sees something move outside
Me masturbating.

Wednesday, Already?

2004-09-01T12:10:00.000-06:00

Well, hard to believe another agonizingly slow work work has reached its mid-point. Like most Americans I can't believe how I somehow managed to end up working in an office. Growing up, I never thought that I would be one of those people who sits in a cube all day. It makes me miss my younger days when I was a bartender. I went from a job where dirty jokes and sexist comments where part of my job description, to a job where I am nervous complimenting a women on her crappy, over highlighted hair cut. For those of you who do not work in an office let me just say this... Way to go! Although I have a set salary and some 9 paid holidays per year. Oops, make that 10 I forgot my 1 floating personal holiday. I am not sure that it is worth all the trade offs. If you don't believe me watch the movie "Office Space". This is my third office job and they all have been just like that movie. Todays treat at my office was getting everyone at a meeting to sing happy birthday to a co-worker of mine. I know this man and it was clear to me he didn't want happy birthday sung to him. That reminds me, I need to make sure I have one sick day left this year for my birthday. Anyway to all my fellow tortured souls, trapped in the black hole of office employment I share these words of wisdom from Drew Carrey.
"So you don't like your job? You know what, there is a support group for that. Its called 'Everyone'. We meet at the bar!"

Me Sherpa, you Jane

2004-08-30T12:30:00.000-06:00

Greetings All. I welcome you to the Sherpa Patrol. I hope to relate to you the adventure that has been commonly referred to as "my life". Some of the main points of interest in the near future are Labor Day weekend, a visit to Iowa City, and a few days in New Orleans with my brothers.
A few things about your Sherpa you should know: First, I am Irish. Second, yes I do like to drink... alot. Third, I have really bad luck with women. A note on this, although horrible for me, my bad luck with women often translates into stories that my friends find really amusing. Fourth, I am an ordained Minister. The rest I am sure you will figure out by reading the Blog.