Points of parliamentary procedure and common courtesy
Upon the urgings of my dear friend the "Weedman", I offer my insights on how to get along with people in the world. More specifically, how to avoid provoking The Sherpa.
1. While driving: when your lane ends. YOU must merge. Turn on your turn signal and move over ASAP. Do not ride your lane out until it ends and you are about to smash into another driver. Your lane ended, you deal with it.
2. While Shopping: 10 items or less. Stay out of this lane unless you have 10 items or less. A six pack of beer counts as 1 item because it is rung up as 1 item. If it gets rung up separately they count as separate items. 11 to 12 items, we'll let it slide. 13 items, you are pushing your luck. 14 items, Piss off!
3. If a member of the opposite sex buys you a drink at a bar/pub you must at least acknowlegde the drink. Wave a thank you, go over and say thanks. Do something. Unless they are really creepy. Of course, if a really hot women sends me a drink I usually sleep with them, call me old fashioned.
4. When you are in line somewhere, for example the Post office or airport, leave some space between you and the person ahead of you in line. It doesn't need to be a large space, just enough so that you are not on top of the other person.
5. Gentlemen- hold the door open for ladies, women with children and the elderly. Just do it. Stop being an a**hole!
6. At the office: If you take the last cup of coffee or if there is only a small amount left, MAKE MORE COFFEE. If I find out who isn't doing this at my office I will kill their family.
7. At the movies: turn off your cell phone. Do not shut the ringer off or set it to vibrate, shut it off. I didn't pay $10 to hear your stupid P. Diddy ringer. Also if there is something going on in your life that is so important you can't shut your phone off, why are you at the movies?
8. Cigar smokers: If you are at a cigar bar or bar that allows cigars, smoke up. If you at around people who are eating or at a bar that doesn't allow cigars (hint: most don't), put it out. In fact, why don't you just go home and stick it up your a**.
9. Cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Life is not a giant snot slinging contest, junior!
10. Number 9 reminds me of this. Carry a handkerchief. They are quite handy. There is a reason gentlemen used to always carry these with them. Hell, if I could carry a towel with me I would (thank you Ford Prefect).
11. Stop throwing garbage out of your car into the street. It is called littering. You are part of the problem. I hope you get cancer.
12. Don't sleep with your buddy's sister. It is not cool. Unless you are going to marry her do not do it. However, if you can get her to make out with you, more power to you.
13. Men: do not bring a camera to a bachelor party. What possible good could come of it? If you are that hard up for pictures of naked whores I've got some great photos of your mom I can share.
14. Married People: Not all of your single friends like getting pictures of your kids on a Christmas card. The whole family is good but not just a solo of the kids. Sometimes I have no idea who these cards are from. Especially when it only says "Merry Christmas from all of us" inside.
1. While driving: when your lane ends. YOU must merge. Turn on your turn signal and move over ASAP. Do not ride your lane out until it ends and you are about to smash into another driver. Your lane ended, you deal with it.
2. While Shopping: 10 items or less. Stay out of this lane unless you have 10 items or less. A six pack of beer counts as 1 item because it is rung up as 1 item. If it gets rung up separately they count as separate items. 11 to 12 items, we'll let it slide. 13 items, you are pushing your luck. 14 items, Piss off!
3. If a member of the opposite sex buys you a drink at a bar/pub you must at least acknowlegde the drink. Wave a thank you, go over and say thanks. Do something. Unless they are really creepy. Of course, if a really hot women sends me a drink I usually sleep with them, call me old fashioned.
4. When you are in line somewhere, for example the Post office or airport, leave some space between you and the person ahead of you in line. It doesn't need to be a large space, just enough so that you are not on top of the other person.
5. Gentlemen- hold the door open for ladies, women with children and the elderly. Just do it. Stop being an a**hole!
6. At the office: If you take the last cup of coffee or if there is only a small amount left, MAKE MORE COFFEE. If I find out who isn't doing this at my office I will kill their family.
7. At the movies: turn off your cell phone. Do not shut the ringer off or set it to vibrate, shut it off. I didn't pay $10 to hear your stupid P. Diddy ringer. Also if there is something going on in your life that is so important you can't shut your phone off, why are you at the movies?
8. Cigar smokers: If you are at a cigar bar or bar that allows cigars, smoke up. If you at around people who are eating or at a bar that doesn't allow cigars (hint: most don't), put it out. In fact, why don't you just go home and stick it up your a**.
9. Cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Life is not a giant snot slinging contest, junior!
10. Number 9 reminds me of this. Carry a handkerchief. They are quite handy. There is a reason gentlemen used to always carry these with them. Hell, if I could carry a towel with me I would (thank you Ford Prefect).
11. Stop throwing garbage out of your car into the street. It is called littering. You are part of the problem. I hope you get cancer.
12. Don't sleep with your buddy's sister. It is not cool. Unless you are going to marry her do not do it. However, if you can get her to make out with you, more power to you.
13. Men: do not bring a camera to a bachelor party. What possible good could come of it? If you are that hard up for pictures of naked whores I've got some great photos of your mom I can share.
14. Married People: Not all of your single friends like getting pictures of your kids on a Christmas card. The whole family is good but not just a solo of the kids. Sometimes I have no idea who these cards are from. Especially when it only says "Merry Christmas from all of us" inside.
posted by The Sherpa | 1/18/2005 06:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
Seems like No. 12 there might be hitting a little close to home, huh? Especially since a certain someone is back in town...
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