Veritas delectat

I have set a number of goals in my life. Milestones to allow me to chart my progress in this world. These moments are used to help me decide where I am at in life and where I am going. They help me decide when to move on, when to keep plugging away and when to celebrate a success.
I believe I have a achieved a success and that I am ready to move to the next level.

The Sherpa is ready to settle down a bit.

I have run the gamut from A cups to DD cups, from Barbie Dolls to Horse faces and now I think I have experienced enough of a variety of women to make an informed decision on settling down. As I am always interested in educating my loyal readers (both of them), here is a summary of all of the types of ladies that I have had the privilege of knowing in some carnal fashion or another.
In no particular order:

White
Black
Latino
Asian
Indian
Greek
Jewish
10 years older (when I was 25)
10 years younger (when I was 36)
Redhead
Married - whoops
Engaged
Dating someone else - haha
Dating one of my buddy's - whoops
Single Mom
Hippie
Emo
Scorpio
Stripper *
Beauty Queen
Gymnast
College Cheerleader *
Marathon Runner
Shot putter
Maid of Honor *
Bartender
Waitress
Lesbian*
Sisters
One-Armed *
Flight Attendant *
Short - 4'11''
Tall - 6'3''

* = I am particularly proud of these

All I can say is thanks for the memories.

I guess the real question is whether or not a woman can put up with the sideshow that is the Sherpa.

The Important things I've learned from women

These are some of the women who have had a powerful influence on the Sherpa, for better or for worse. I dated a few and have been friends with all at some point or another. Life teaches us some important lessons. Some of the most important lessons I have learned have come from the people closest to me. The last names (and I do know them) have been withheld to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. Below I will list the women's name and the lesson learned. These are in no particular order...

Ursula- Beautiful women are just normal people, only hotter.

Courtney- There are still some smart and beautiful women out there. You just need to get to them before Bob.

Jill- If you wait too long to make your move they will always love you...as a friend.

Susan- sometimes things do not work out the way you want and that is a good thing.

Kathryn- relationships don't work out, accept it and move on. To quote Adam Sandler "Why would you want to go out with someone who doesn't want to go out with you?"

Andrea- caring about someone enough to let them go is its own reward.

Mollie- just because one of your friends gets married doesn't mean you can't hang out anymore. In fact, if his wife is cool, it makes hanging out even better.

Karla- a first kiss, when done right, is something you never forget.

Sandra- sometimes you need to encounter someone several times in your life before you realize how important they are going to be to you.

Michelle- never underestimate how awesome it can be to date a female friend. Also, hot & wild & incredible.

It's the little things...

Sometimes it can be helpful to take a few minutes and reflect on the small things and moments that make life special. It can also be helpful to ponder the small trifles and happenings that can make life a steaming pile of shit.
So whether I'm inspired to give you a big hug or light you on fire just so I have an excuse to piss on you here are some of my top choices of the good and the bad.

that make me happy-

1. Finding money in my jacket pocket
2. Making the green light
3. Flirting with a good looking girl
4. Being in the fast line at the store
5. Getting a postcard in the mail
6. Having a cup of coffee after a great dinner
7. Inside jokes that I am "in" on
8. Peeing standing up
9. Sleeping in on a Saturday morning
10. Watching a sunset
11. Fresh sheets on my bed
12. Lightning bug baseball
13. Getting the last piece of pizza
14. Saying "Out of the way, Peck" to short people
15. Catching an old Three Stooges episode


that piss me off-

1. People who use my coffee mug
2. Slow drivers in the left lane
3. Assholes at Chipotle who are ordering for 5 other people
4. Messing up my order at the drive-thru
5. Running out of printer ink
6. Not being able to fall asleep
7. People stepping on my shoes
8. People who don't know how to park in a parking spot
9. Explaining the 80's to women in their 20's
10. Inside jokes that I am not "in" on
11. Running into annoying ex-girlfriends
12. People who answer questions incorrectly. If I ask "Do you mind if I come with?" and you say "Yes" that means you do mind you moron.
13. People telling me a movie has a surprise ending. Really? Not anymore a$$hole!
14. Red light cameras. Stick it up your a$$ Big Brother!
15. Saturday morning cartoons. They used to be awesome. Now I have no idea what the hell is going on.

25 things I learned in 2009

1. What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
2. Some women don't like you enough to date you but like you enough that they don't want you to date anyone else.
3. Being unemployed for 1 month = Fun, being unemployed for 6 months = Oh Shit!
4. When a woman asks you to go to a hotel with her you say YES!
5. You should just ask for what you want. The worst they can say is no.
6. You don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones.
7. Sooner or later everyone makes a drunken fool of themselves at the local bar.
8. My brother can be a real cock block sometimes.
9. Facebook is a black hole of time and energy.
10. Dating older women can be awkward and complicated.
11. Not allowing people to put you on guilt trips is very liberating.
12. Putting women on a pedestal can be dangerous. Sometimes they fall off and land on your buddy's dick.
13. No one can frustrate you like family.
14. Deep down I prefer Brunettes.
15. Friendships , no matter how old, are fragile and once broken never seem to heal completely.
16. My parents want grandchildren... by any means necessary.
17. Giving ex-girlfriends funny animal nicknames will only bite you in the ass later.
18. Falling off a swim up bar is cool and refreshing.
19. I do not like birthday cake and would prefer Tiramisu.
20. Life is definitely less interesting without certain people in it.
21. A woman fresh out of the shower and just wearing a towel is what heaven must be like.
22. Money isn't everything but you do need some to go out drinking.
23. Taxi cabs are way better than DUI's. They are also cheaper.
24. Being the Best Man in a wedding very fun and quite an honor.
25. Being a pirate is fun. Yarrrrrrr!

The Flying Urban Menace

For the record, I hate pigeons.

These rancid, winged, shit dropping rats must be stopped. I also hate Canadian geese but let’s take one problem on at a time.

Pigeons have no redeeming qualities.
1. As birds go, they are ugly. They are mostly a dull gray color.
2. They seem to have some kind of oil slick on their feathers.
3. They don’t sing. They kind of gurgle out a noise of some kind.
4. They are cocky. They don’t fly away from people. Personally I have given a few of these bastards a good boot in the ass.
5. They crap on everything. Cars, statues, underpasses and basically any surface.

I have an idea that would be mutually beneficial for everyone. Let’s pay the homeless to hunt and kill them.

Let me explain- I would offer to pay the homeless $.50 a bird. I do not require the entire carcass. Heck the homeless may enjoy eating them. Don’t the French call pigeon Squab? I just want the little skinny, boney part of the leg as proof of a dead bird. So I guess I am offering $.25 a leg.

How does this help people you ask? And who does it help?

The Homeless
1. They are better fed due to having a ready source of “Squab”.
2. They are in better shape from the hunt.
3. They have more money for food due to the reward.
4. They have more money for booze due to the reward.
5. They have improved self worth & feel like productive members of society.

The Public
1. The streets, statues and everything else is not covered in bird crap.
2. The homeless spend less time pan handling.
3. Disease transmission is reduced by not having filthy winged rats everywhere.
4. Increased liquor sales to newly empowered homeless increase tax base.
5. No more smelly homeless trying to sell you a copy of streetwise.




So if you hate pigeons as much as I do let’s get this idea rolling. Perhaps we can even get some of the TARP or bailout money to get this project off the ground. It certainly would create jobs and could be categorized as a civic improvement project. Once we get these f-ing pigeons taken care of we can start on the rest. Specifically rats, stray animals, the undead and those damn Canadian Geese.

We are just lucky Chicago isn’t infested with Yeti…they shed.

More Sherpa Haiku

In my never ending quest to keep myself busy I have written some new poems. I apologize that one serious one got in there. I do try to keep it as low brow as possible.

I fear the Darkness
An eerie noise frightens me
Did I shit the bed

Her breathing quickens
She approaches her climax
I already came

Cold ice on warm lips
Frosted mug sweats in the heat
I really love beer

I buy a ticket
Hopes of winning a fortune
or just tossing off

Keg stands can be fun
The trick is in the dismount
Sorry I threw up

Sun sets in red sky
Summer heat fades to Autumn
Seasons dance in time

The Truth about the Chicago Cubs from a Cub’s Fan

Here is what I know about the Chicago Cubs...


The Die-Hard Truth

1. Cub’s fans are Cub’s fans- balls to bones, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get pissed off at the team or especially the Owners.

2. Being a Cub’s fan does NOT mean that you hate the Chicago White Sox (note: being a White Sox fan DOES mean that you hate the Cubs).

3. Wrigley Field is a great old ballpark. The ivy, the design and the feel of the place is all very old school.

4. Drunken guys on the 3rd base line are going to fall onto the field while trying to snag a foul ball. Laugh at these fat, drunk a$$holes.

5. If you are only at the game to party at least play “Buck in the Cup”. That way it will at least look like you are following the game.

6. There are two temperature zones in Wrigley field: Freezing and Boiling. If you are unsure which zone you will be sitting in please bring along a sweater, a hat, a tank top and some sun tan lotion.

7. You MUST throw back an opposing team’s home run ball. Do not try the old switch-a-roo with the ball. Just throw it back. The story is much cooler than a ball on a shelf.

8. There are a few days out of the season that are very special and/or sacred. Opening Day, all of the games in the White Sox series, the final home game of the year and Floppy hat day.

9. There are usually a large number of good looking women at Wrigley Field on any given night. On a sunny day, the bleachers have the most skin showing (If you want to try and get on TV sit next to these women. Just don’t be the moron on the cell phone).

10. If you have bleacher tickets and want to get a good seat you need to show up an hour or two early for the game.


The Ugly Truth

1. At least half of the people at the Cub’s game are only there to party.

2. The Tribune Co. does NOT care about winning a World Series. They sell out all the home games anyway.

3. Bartman did NOT cost the Cubs a trip to the World Series. Alex Gonzales missed an easy ground ball on the next play, Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez was unstoppable and we went on to lose game Seven.

4. The bathroom situation at Wrigley Field is a nightmare.

5. Ronny “Woo-woo” is only amusing for 5 seconds. After that he is annoying as hell.

6. The Cubs, as an organization, will destroy any good pitching arm they can get their hands on. I.E- Lance Dickson, Mark Prior & Kerry Wood

7. Sammy Sosa was a spoiled, possibly juiced, bat corking tool.

8. The people constantly on their cell phones and waving are morons. These are probably the same people who sit at Starbucks and work on their “Macs”.

9. Parking in Wrigleyville sucks ass. It always has and it always will.

10. The tickets, the hot dogs, the beer- everything is way over priced for a baseball team that has not been to the World Series in 63 years and has not won the World Series in 100 years.


Some things that need to be said about the Chicago White Sox

1. AJ Pierzynski is acknowledged to be kind of an a$$hole. However, that does not give you the right to punch him in the face.

2. US Cellular field is better than Wrigley Field in three ways. First, they serve Miller Lite instead of Budweiser. Second, the food concessions are vastly superior, and finally the entire facility is modern and the amenities like the Stadium Club, the box seats and bathrooms are great.

3. The 2005 Chicago White Sox were a fun, dynamic baseball team. They were fun to watch and truly deserved to win the World Series (see what pitchers whose arms are not wrecked can do.)

4. The 1994 Chicago White Sox might have gone all the way if there had not been a strike.

5. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson deserves to be in the Baseball hall of fame.