The Ten Most Important & Overlooked Inventions Ever

Forget the lightbulb, I can see just fine during the day. These things are truly important. In no particular order...

1) The Thermos: This thing is damn handy. It can keep cold stuff cold or hot stuff hot. They come in a variety of sizes. Everyone should have one of these. A must have for a college tailgate party.

2) The Zipper: Can you imagine any other fastener on your pants. These things are on jeans, jackets, coats, back packs and about a million other things. Sure occasionally they can get jammed up but all and all a great invention. Except for the time I accidentally got my "little Sherpa" caught in it. I'll tell you, zipping it in doesn't hurt nearly as much as zipping it out. Yowza!

3) Beer / Booze / Hooch: What can I say about this stuff? It is proof of God. It has been around since the dawn of time. I have no idea what tiny hominid came up with this stuff but I want to give that hairy, smelly little guy a hug. I would type more but I am getting a little misty eyed. Sniff, sniff.

4) Coffee: It is the opposite of beer. Here is a formula, Ground coffee beans + Hot water = Happy wake up juice. Try to imagine a Saturday morning without coffee.

5) The automatic scoring machine for bowling: I will admit this, keeping score at bowling can be a little confusing. My guess is that only 10% of the American population can do it. That having been said, this machine has opened up bowling in a very important way. Now the scorekeeper can get just as loaded as everyone else. Speaking as a former scorekeeper, Thank you automatic score machine!

6) Shoes: This has got to be close to the first tool ever made. I think it went spear and then shoes. Our ancestor's feet had to hurt after chasing prey around. My favorite shoe of all time, still the Converse Chuck Taylor Allstar Hi-top.

7) Jenga: This is a personal favorite. Two words- Drinking Jenga!

8) The Bikini / Tube top: They really help women. During the Summer these clothing items help keep ladies cool and comfortable. They can help get rid of tan lines. Can you imagine a state fair, carnival or Theme park without these clothing items. Also cleavage rules!

9) Standup Comedy: A bold chance to express one's comedic ideas to a group of strangers. Live comedy is the best. That is a fact. If you have never seen live standup, go immediately! (We miss you Mitch Hedburg)

10) Chewing Gum / Bubble Gum: Tasty, portable, many flavors. It also comes in handy when one is trying to quit smoking. Like me. Also, everybody likes gum.


Honorable Mentions For The Worst Inventions Ever:

1) Stoplight cameras: Hey if you want to give me a ticket you have to be there and catch me.

2) The FCC: I love it when the Government tells me what is safe for me to see or hear.

3) Tollways: I am from the Chicago area. I think this is purgatory. Screw the tollways!

4) Hallmark Holidays: Hey Hallmark, quit making trouble for us guys. I.E. Sweetest Day.

5) Last Call: I used to work in a bar. I know that the bars can't stay open all night. However, I really do hate last call when I am having a good time.

So, its your birthday? Well good for you.

So it has come to my attention more and more lately. People seem to have forgotten that everyone has a birthday. Notice that is a singular term; not birthdays or birth week.
I am not sure when this phenomenon began. Although, I am sure it was born of the narcissistic 1980's. Seeing as how most parents have been tricked into thinking that telling their kids they are the center of the Universe is a good idea. These days it is in full bloom.
Many people seem to think everyone is obligated to dedicate a whole week each year to their birthday.

While we are on the topic of birthdays, what is the deal with singing "Happy Birthday" at restaurants?
Every single time I go out there is at least one or two crappy renditions of that song being sung. Usually to some moron by a bunch of waiters and waitresses who would much rather spit in the customers food than sing that stupid song. I have worked in the restaurant business. Let me tell everyone a little secret. We hate you birthday a$$holes.
Who decided that a private celebration of one's birthday should be a public event that is forced on a bunch of strangers? Another thing, just because it is your birthday why does the restaurant or the bartender need to buy you a dessert/drink?

Here's an idea, on your birthday go out with a bunch of your friends. Perhaps if you are lucky a friend will plan a party for you. Do not make strangers sing "Happy Birthday" to you. To tell you the truth I don't even like it when my family and friends sing it to me. First, it is a stupid song. Second, my friends can't sing. Third, everyone stares at you. Fourth, someone always adds an extra verse they learned in third grade. Here is what I have done on my last few birthdays. First I stop at my favorite bar in Chicago for a pre-party Mai Tai. Next we go to dinner somewhere nice. After that it is off to the races. A mini bar crawl. Usually two or three bars is all it takes. Ah yes, birthday drunk. Bring a camera.
Some advantages of this plan:
1) It is easy for people to meet up with you throughout the night.
2) If one bar is slow you can simply move along.
3) New bartenders at each bar mean one thing. They have no idea how loaded you already you are.
4) You can keep the beginning of the party really small and then have a large group by the end of the night.
5) New people at each bar.
6) Your friends will buy you drinks if you are out and about.
7) Being out at bars means no clean up at home.

So just remember everybody.
One birthday, per person, per year.
Don't tell the waiter to sing to you or your buddy.
And party like the Sherpa and you shall find nirvana...
or at the very least a good buzz!