An open letter to Canadians

Greetings to my friends up North!

I was wondering. What does an American need to do to get a 4 year visa? I am sure I am not the first one to ask. Surely your government has some sort of "presidential term" special. I only need to be gone for the length of one American Presidential term(if Bush wins). I have been to your lovely country a few times. I think I could adjust easily to the culture. It is similar to America with a few exceptions. I suppose I could get used to : the metric system, polite people, clean streets, a lower crime rate, better beer, and attractive women. Damn, why haven't I moved to Canada already?!


Don't get me wrong, I love America. It is just that if George Bush jr. wins another 4 year term I know a lot of crazy suff is going to happen. First, we will invade Iran. You know we will, and that is all we need, more crazy fundementalist muslims after us. Second, the military draft will be reinstated. Don't worry, I am sure the Bush daughters already have a position lined up in the Texas National guard. Third, Bush will alienate the rest of our allies. I don't think even Tony Blair could take another Bush term of office(and Blair has stuck his neck out really far for us already).


So Canada I ask, can I crash on your couch for 4 years? I'll pay for my own groceries. I don't stay out late during the week. I'll chip in for rent and utilities. Come on, it will be fun.

Road Trip

There is nothing like a road trip to make you feel good. I recently drove the 235 miles from my house to Iowa City and back. It is a largely uneventful drive. However, I find it quite relaxing. It took me about 3 hours and 15 minutes. I'd like to thank the guy in the BMW and the guy in the mustang for driving like maniacs. It made speeding behind you a lot easier. I think I averaged about 80 mph the whole way.
For those of you who attended a college I can say this, things are still the same. The women are pretty but they are 21, so good luck actually having a conversation. The guys are still college guys. Just look for the group of morons with the baseball hats on backwards.
All and all a good trip.

Is this heaven? No, its Iowa.

I am a graduate of one the best colleges around, The University of Iowa. It is this lovely place I return to this weekend. I used to get back to town at least 6 times a year, but lately I have been slacking off quite a bit. I will be staying with my buddy Ron. His girlfriend is out of town this weekend so I think we can really cut loose. Old school style.

What does one do in Iowa City, Iowa?
Good question. I am planning on going to the Wig and Pen pizza pub for a Flying Tomato pizza. If you ever get to Iowa City, Iowa please stop in to this place. I used to work there while I was in college. Great food, great staff, great owner( Dick is the best) but it is also a refreshingly original pub. A second place I must visit, Dolls. A tasteful strip club located in the industrial park near the interstate. Dolls has atrractive, nude women, decently priced beer and 75 cent pool. Who can beat that. My brother and I used to frequent this establishment after spending all day swimming and patrying at a state park nearby. To him I say this- beware the duck blind! The rest I will just figure out as I go and I will report back anything interesting that the Sherpa Patrol encounters.

So to all of you readers of Sherpa Patrol I say this... hold on to your wigs and keys and have a great time this weekend.

Movies, Cell Phones and the fall of Western Civilization

So it is official. I am convinced that we are in the downward spiral that every great civilization eventually suffers. There is a reason that the great societies of the past eventually ended or fell. There must be some sort of generational limit to a society. Eventually each generation, by way of pissing off the generation before it, ends up totally destroying the whole thing. I have two prime examples of the fact that the United States, an idealistic free republic, is now just another annoying frigging Gap commercial.
I went to the movies on Sunday night. I spent $9 on a ticket, and $3.50 on medium sized Coca-cola. I didn't get a snack because they don't sell Junior mints at the movies anymore. Don't even get me started on that one. Anyway, it seems that everyone takes the dimming of the house lights as a cue to start chatting. Am I the only person who goes to the movies to watch the movie? I am refraining from commenting on the following items because this post would go on forever: The couple that brought their infant, the people who showed up 15 minutes late and complained about the difficulty in finding a seat, the guy who didn't shut off his cell phone,the people behind me in line who stood so close to me I could feel thier breath on my neck, the girl behind us who spilled her drink, and those are just a few. I am begining to think shut-ins have the right idea. American society, as a whole, has turned into a rude, self centered brat that really needs to get its ass kicked. No time out, a sound beating.
That having been said, what the hell do children need cell phones for? I was at a fest over Labor Day weekend and there were tons of young children with cell phones. I didn't get a cell phone until I was 24 and even then I did it with some reluctance. What the hell do two 12 year olds have to say to each other that is so urgent. I know what I would have used a cell phone for when I was a kid, coordinated toilet paper and egg attacks on local homes. I don't even want to know what kids with out of control hormones are using them to coordinate. I hope I do not sound too old but it can't just be me. I really do think this current generation is spoiled rotten. Remote controls, cell phones, computers, the internet, laser eye surgery, invisble braces where is the torture I went through as a boy.
All these signs of the decline are merely symptoms of a larger problem. Take a look at the source of these problems. Our government has seen fit to install cameras everywhere to record our every move, for our protection. We have the Patriot Act which eliminates many of our civil rights, for our protection. Hell, our President has invaded countries, for our protection. Wow we must be the safest country around huh? Anyone want to know how this is going to end? Well I don't want to spoil the ending but read 1984 by Orwell. While you're at it re-read Brave New World by Huxley, as well. Then try to get to sleep at night. I didn't sleep well for a week.

Worship my shiny tooth!

Yes, I am sorry to admit I have been very busy this week. So there have been no posts. Part of the reason can be blamed on my tooth. Earlier in the week I broke a tooth. Yes, that's what I thought. Teeth are not supposed to break. Well I am here to say that they do. After some extensive drilling and a whole lot of big hands in my mouth, I have emerged with a temporary crown. As I held my mouth open last night and stared at this very shiny metal crown I marveled at technology. I also felt a bit like Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The part where he defeats Darth Vader and then looks at Vader's missing hand and then stares at his own artificial hand and then slowly realizes that he too is becoming less human and more machine. Anyway the point is this is the first real body modification I have ever had. Sure a tattoo here and there but that is just a little ink. Until yesterday I was very proud of the fact I was 100% origonal parts. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in body part heaven my tooth is spending time with my other body parts that have passed on... my baby teeth, all my shorn locks, and yes, even that elusive foreskin that was taken from me when I was a child (without my permission I might add). So to all of you I say this, hold onto to your precious body parts. Just don't play with them in public.

Some Sherpa Haiku

Haiku is a wonderous expression of the soul. A three line poem with a alternating syllabic structure, 5, 7, 5. Often, Haikus contain an element of nature. I find that Haiku is an excellent poetic device for everyone to enjoy. It is short, simple and elegant. It is a lot more accesable than sonnets, and requires more disipline than free verse. Please consider the following poems for your enjoyment.

The cold refreshes me.
I gently awake, confused
Passed out in the tub again

I wake suddenly
there is an awful smell here
I must have farted

I approach climax.
The door suddenly opens.
Doesn't anybody knock?!

Once I swallowed
A quarter, it didn't hurt but...
"Ever crap out change?"

Women don't like me
I seem to make them nervous.
I should stop flashing.

She bathes in the nude.
She sees something move outside
Me masturbating.

Wednesday, Already?

Well, hard to believe another agonizingly slow work work has reached its mid-point. Like most Americans I can't believe how I somehow managed to end up working in an office. Growing up, I never thought that I would be one of those people who sits in a cube all day. It makes me miss my younger days when I was a bartender. I went from a job where dirty jokes and sexist comments where part of my job description, to a job where I am nervous complimenting a women on her crappy, over highlighted hair cut. For those of you who do not work in an office let me just say this... Way to go! Although I have a set salary and some 9 paid holidays per year. Oops, make that 10 I forgot my 1 floating personal holiday. I am not sure that it is worth all the trade offs. If you don't believe me watch the movie "Office Space". This is my third office job and they all have been just like that movie. Todays treat at my office was getting everyone at a meeting to sing happy birthday to a co-worker of mine. I know this man and it was clear to me he didn't want happy birthday sung to him. That reminds me, I need to make sure I have one sick day left this year for my birthday. Anyway to all my fellow tortured souls, trapped in the black hole of office employment I share these words of wisdom from Drew Carrey.
"So you don't like your job? You know what, there is a support group for that. Its called 'Everyone'. We meet at the bar!"