The Platonic Boyfriend

The Platonic Boyfriend

What is it?

It is a situation that you often cannot detect until it is too late. Put simply, it is when you acquire all of the responsibilities of a boyfriend with none of the benefits. We all have female friends. At least I hope we do. It is a very normal thing.
*Side note*
If you do not have any female friends you should get some.
Three reasons-
1. You can get a female perspective on things.
2. It shows other women that you are not a total psychopath.
3. Good looking women often have good looking friends (and one ugly one).

Now back to the topic at hand.
The platonic boyfriend situation occurs when the relationship starts to get unbalanced for some reason. Maybe you do want to date her or perhaps you have had a streak of bad luck. Whatever the reason, you will start to notice little things.
1. You seem to always have plans together. Even on Friday or Saturday nights.
2. When you go out it isn’t “hanging out”. There is a meal and activity.
3. She seems to get a bit upset if you make plans with other people or do not invite her along.
4. People you know start asking about you two as if you are a couple.
5. She refers to the two of you as “We”.
6. Most noticeably, all of the above is happening and there is no physical stuff or even a hint of it.

You have now become the Platonic boyfriend. Somehow you have al the emotional baggage of a relationship. It is like the boyfriend job has been split into two parts. There is the sex guy and the support guy. You are the support guy.
You do not want to be put into this position.
The reasons are obvious.
1. It is a lot of responsibility.
2. It prevents you from hooking up with other women.
3. You can get over involved with her.
4. It just plain messes with your head.
5. This is not a healthy situation.

So before you end up picking her up at the airport or help her move to a new apartment you need to put a stop to this. This can be difficult. I mean, the reason you started hanging out with her was because you thought she was cool or you were trying to hook up with her. Most of my female friends are hot. Some are in the untouchable categories. Married or dated my friends. Hmmm, I though I had more off limit categories than that… Guess not.

If you are smart you can avoid this whole situation all together. Nip it in the bud. Don’t be going out with the same female buddy too much. If you do go out with them a few times be sure to let them know it is a date. Putt the moves on them early and often. That way they know what your motivations are early in the game and there are no surprises later on.

If you do get stuck as the Platonic Boyfriend there is only one thing to do- the Platonic breakup.
This is not easy or pleasant.
It is basically a reconstruction of the friend boundaries. It is like becoming friends with an ex girlfriend, but without the part about knowing what they look like naked. I recommend just cutting down on the phone calls and putting an immediate stop to the “platonic” dates. I suggest becoming very busy at work or something time consuming. Bullshit if you must. Just remember that if you want to keep this person as a friend that lying to them might not be the best idea. The hardest part about this situation is staying friends throughout the process.
I am not going to lie.
This has not worked out the best for me. I had to do a local Platonic breakup and a long distance platonic breakup. Don’t even ask how I got into those situations. We will just chalk it up to “nice guy” syndrome. Either way it has not been pleasant.

My advice- If you want to be friends with a woman go right ahead. Hang out, have fun but avoid the Platonic Boyfriend pitfalls.
If you want to be more than friends with a woman tell her upfront. Becoming friends with her first and then trying the transition to boyfriend is NOT going to work. It screws everything up.
If you do fall for one of your female friends I suggest you do the mature and intelligent thing.
Find a chick that looks just like her and nail her. That will get it out of your system.

Blind Dates

There is nothing quite like getting set up on a blind date.

It is really a very telling situation. I can’t think of an easier way to find out what your friends think of you.

The best part is when a complete monster walks through the door. It is like your friends are saying, “You like ugly chicks, right? I thought you did.” or perhaps they are saying, “This is as good looking a person as I think you deserve.” Of course, it could be that they assume you are a thoughtful enough person to look past mere physical attraction.

To my friends: I assure you, I am not that thoughtful of a person.

There has to be minimum level of attraction. I mean a genuine attraction. I do not mean the kind of attraction one feels after several beers and a shot or two. I’ll be honest. Almost any chick could get a hold of me after a few beverages. The only thing that would stop me is familial relationship or gender ambiguity. I am sure my parents are very proud of me.

Another place my friends often miscalculate is with the Blind Dates personality. They set me up with a person who has a bad laugh. Everyone knows what I mean by a bad laugh. Most people have a friend that has that awful, loud, embarrassing laugh. I like to think I can be funny at times. So this does not work out well. Other great examples of the wrong type for me are a religious person, a smoker (I just quit which makes me the worst kind of non-smoker), a person who doesn’t drink, a short chick or a quiet person. Please do not think I am too picky or that I am extremely judgmental. Keep in mind that I made out with a woman that only had one arm and that I have been the grenade man on more than one occasion.

All and all I have given up on the blind date thing. It must work in some cases. I am guessing the success rate at about 2%. It does not work for me. Do me a favor, if you have a woman you would like me to meet, just bring her out sometime. That way we can interact in a normal environment and actually see if there is a connection without all that pressure and weirdness.

It seems that my married friends have already forgotten what it is like out here in the trenches. So here are some warnings.
1. Be prepared that we may not like each other…at all.
2. Please do not pester me about “How it is going”.
3. Accept that fact I may nail her and then not call her. (I can be an A$$)

For those of us getting set up on these nightmares, Remember, deep down I think our friends are really just trying to help us out. Although, with the train wrecks I have dealt with it might make you think twice.