The Flying Urban Menace
These rancid, winged, shit dropping rats must be stopped. I also hate Canadian geese but let’s take one problem on at a time.
Pigeons have no redeeming qualities.
1. As birds go, they are ugly. They are mostly a dull gray color.
2. They seem to have some kind of oil slick on their feathers.
3. They don’t sing. They kind of gurgle out a noise of some kind.
4. They are cocky. They don’t fly away from people. Personally I have given a few of these bastards a good boot in the ass.
5. They crap on everything. Cars, statues, underpasses and basically any surface.
I have an idea that would be mutually beneficial for everyone. Let’s pay the homeless to hunt and kill them.
Let me explain- I would offer to pay the homeless $.50 a bird. I do not require the entire carcass. Heck the homeless may enjoy eating them. Don’t the French call pigeon Squab? I just want the little skinny, boney part of the leg as proof of a dead bird. So I guess I am offering $.25 a leg.
How does this help people you ask? And who does it help?
1. They are better fed due to having a ready source of “Squab”.
2. They are in better shape from the hunt.
3. They have more money for food due to the reward.
4. They have more money for booze due to the reward.
5. They have improved self worth & feel like productive members of society.
1. The streets, statues and everything else is not covered in bird crap.
2. The homeless spend less time pan handling.
3. Disease transmission is reduced by not having filthy winged rats everywhere.
4. Increased liquor sales to newly empowered homeless increase tax base.
5. No more smelly homeless trying to sell you a copy of streetwise.
So if you hate pigeons as much as I do let’s get this idea rolling. Perhaps we can even get some of the TARP or bailout money to get this project off the ground. It certainly would create jobs and could be categorized as a civic improvement project. Once we get these f-ing pigeons taken care of we can start on the rest. Specifically rats, stray animals, the undead and those damn Canadian Geese.
We are just lucky Chicago isn’t infested with Yeti…they shed.