Points of parliamentary procedure and common courtesy

Upon the urgings of my dear friend the "Weedman", I offer my insights on how to get along with people in the world. More specifically, how to avoid provoking The Sherpa.

1. While driving: when your lane ends. YOU must merge. Turn on your turn signal and move over ASAP. Do not ride your lane out until it ends and you are about to smash into another driver. Your lane ended, you deal with it.

2. While Shopping: 10 items or less. Stay out of this lane unless you have 10 items or less. A six pack of beer counts as 1 item because it is rung up as 1 item. If it gets rung up separately they count as separate items. 11 to 12 items, we'll let it slide. 13 items, you are pushing your luck. 14 items, Piss off!

3. If a member of the opposite sex buys you a drink at a bar/pub you must at least acknowlegde the drink. Wave a thank you, go over and say thanks. Do something. Unless they are really creepy. Of course, if a really hot women sends me a drink I usually sleep with them, call me old fashioned.

4. When you are in line somewhere, for example the Post office or airport, leave some space between you and the person ahead of you in line. It doesn't need to be a large space, just enough so that you are not on top of the other person.

5. Gentlemen- hold the door open for ladies, women with children and the elderly. Just do it. Stop being an a**hole!

6. At the office: If you take the last cup of coffee or if there is only a small amount left, MAKE MORE COFFEE. If I find out who isn't doing this at my office I will kill their family.

7. At the movies: turn off your cell phone. Do not shut the ringer off or set it to vibrate, shut it off. I didn't pay $10 to hear your stupid P. Diddy ringer. Also if there is something going on in your life that is so important you can't shut your phone off, why are you at the movies?

8. Cigar smokers: If you are at a cigar bar or bar that allows cigars, smoke up. If you at around people who are eating or at a bar that doesn't allow cigars (hint: most don't), put it out. In fact, why don't you just go home and stick it up your a**.

9. Cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Life is not a giant snot slinging contest, junior!

10. Number 9 reminds me of this. Carry a handkerchief. They are quite handy. There is a reason gentlemen used to always carry these with them. Hell, if I could carry a towel with me I would (thank you Ford Prefect).

11. Stop throwing garbage out of your car into the street. It is called littering. You are part of the problem. I hope you get cancer.

12. Don't sleep with your buddy's sister. It is not cool. Unless you are going to marry her do not do it. However, if you can get her to make out with you, more power to you.

13. Men: do not bring a camera to a bachelor party. What possible good could come of it? If you are that hard up for pictures of naked whores I've got some great photos of your mom I can share.

14. Married People: Not all of your single friends like getting pictures of your kids on a Christmas card. The whole family is good but not just a solo of the kids. Sometimes I have no idea who these cards are from. Especially when it only says "Merry Christmas from all of us" inside.

Highlights for Low Lifes

The Dive Bar Review--
Dive bars, like a fine wine, are an aquired taste. Some things that tend to make a bar a "dive". They are usually older, a bit run down, on the smaller side and very local. Here are several suburban dives that I have called home at one time or another.

1. The Neighborhood Inn in Hoffman Estates. What is there to say, we call this place "the Hood". A loud smoke filled bar. One soft tipped dart board that is usually in play. A decent jukebox but with Karokee on Thursday, Friday and Saturday night it is off until late night most of the time. Friendly bartenders (Paulie rules!) and cheap beer make the place tolerable. Last call isn't until around 3am on the weekends so the usual crowd can vary. Most of the time it is populated with locals, bartenders and waiters who just got off work and the occasional off duty cop or biker.
Drink recommendations: Jager Bombs, the draft beer isn't too bad.

2. Bungalow Joes in Streamwood. I know one of the bartenders so it is always a decent time for me(also, she's really hot). Sometimes this place has a cover on the weekends. It is for the live band that is always way too loud. Get to this bar early on the weekends if you want to sit at the bar. The place is small and the bar is small so the seats go quickly. The back room has several booths and a few pool tables. This place is a real dive. It isn't too tricky to get into a fight here, even if you aren't trying. It does last call late (3am I think) and it opens early at 8am every morning. Nothing like getting loaded with third shifters at 8am. This is definatley not a dive you want to try out on your first time. It can get a little rough and the joint is a little worn down.
Drink recomendations: Bottle beer only.

3. The Chili Pub in Schaumburg. Last call at 3:30am. Wagon wheels on the walls. A local joint that really does have good chili. This is actually a pretty decent place to hang out. It is a bit old school and it is a local place. They don't put up with a lot of crap here, but the staff is nice so the crowd is friendly most of the time. Because it is open so late the crowd can sometimes tend to be a bit wasted. In fact, I was there recently and I was pretty loaded. It is also on the small side but there are plenty of nooks and cranny's to sit down in. Downside, no waitresses so you have to get your drinks from the crowded bar.
Drink recomendations: Bottle beer. Wasted? Get some chili.

4. Easy Street Pub in Schaumburg. I have saved the best for last. I actually frequent this place quite a bit. Some names have been changed to protect identities.
The bar's motto is "I love this place". There is plenty of local history. It is one of the oldest buildings in town. In the past it has served as a church, a restaurant, a brothel and for the last 30 years or better a local bar. Whenever I go in there it feels like a high school reunion. All good local bars in a person's home town should feel like that. They have classed the joint up a lot the last few years. They took down all the bras that used to hang from the ceiling. This place is like two seperate bars. One half has the games and a few tables. By games I mean fooz ball, pool, and a bunch of steel tip dart boards. Did I mention that all the games are free? The other half of the bar is the bar side. A long bar with a bunch of tables and one booth. Anything can happen in here. I was in here recently (just before I went to the Chili pub actually) and we were drinking. Me and several of my drinking buddies (BC & PL you know who you are) ended up getting the beneficial end of the bartenders boredom. It seems that the barkeep and a patron(Hi, Mike) were trying to figure out how to make some new shots. All of their "mistakes" found there way down to us. Nothing like a lost weekend. I have seen many things in this bar. Old friends from high school and junior high, the town drunk ("good morning"), public nudity (mmm, flapjacks), and the usual bar stool olympics (the dismount is always the worst). Do I love this place? You bet!
Hang out in here long enough and you will experience what we affectionatley call "An Easy Night"
Drink recommendations: Bottle beer, any of the "new" shots( I prefered the "Pink Pussy").

Tips for hanging out in a Dive
*Don't draw too much attention to yourself. you are already an outsider.
*Don't flash cash but pay as you go
*Make friends with the bartender(friendly chat, don't annoy them)
*Don't pick a fight. Most people in here probably know each other so you ARE outnumbered.
*Enjoy the local flavor. Talk to the toothless guy, listen to the story from the guy with the Mullet, and do a shot with the lady who's haircut is from 1987. You'll feel better about yourself, do stay away from the weirdos.
*Beer drinkers- order bottles. Tap beer in most dives is nasty.
*Look at what booze they have behind the bar before you order. If this is a "Shot & a beer" joint do not order a Shirazz or Cosmopolitan.

The Tao of the Drinking game

Drinking games are a time honored tradition. In my group of friends they are mandatory. We stay away from a lot of the typical crap. These are some sitdown games and some games you can play on unsuspecting people while you are out and about. Here are several of my favorites. Please feel free to play them yourself.

1. Drinking Jenga. This has grown in popularity, especially at college. All you need to do is take a regular Jenga (the block stacking game) and write drinking commands on one side. For example, "Guys drink 2" or "Chug your beer" or "Reverse play". Make them simple and/or obnoxious. I suggest leaving several blank. That way you can customize the Jenga with each new group of people who play. In fact, you can have a party to "Initiate" the Jenga.

2. The Bon Jovi game. Now this one is childish. However, it can also be a lot of fun. This game is nice for a friendly wager between friends. Usually me and my friends, Scott and Jay, would run this game on women at bars. It is quite simple. All you need to do is quote Bon Jovi lyrics to women without getting caught. You can go big or go small. She asks you what you are doing tonight, you say "Livin' on a prayer". It helps if you know a lot of Bon Jovi songs. That would explain why Jay was always very good at it. Try it sometime. It helps if you've been drinking for this one.

3. Fake Professions. Now this isn't always a game. I have gotten quite tired of women from Lincoln Park asking me what I do for a living. This is usually as polite as these broads get when it comes to directly asking "How much money do you make?". The women I am referring to are particuarly shallow. This is why I take delight in giving them bizarre professions. This way I get to see the expression on thier faces as they try and decide if I make enough money a year to talk to. My favorite fake profession is a Manaquin designer.

4. The Bodyguard. This works best if there are several guys going out. Quite simply, pretend to be guarding one of your group. If people ask who it is tell them they are someone who is famous or sounds famous. Brad Pitt's younger brother Brian, Jimmy Fallon's cousin John or make up a name and tell them you are on the new season of Survivor. It works best when everyone is wearing nicer clothes and several of your buddies are a bit on the larger side. My brothers and friends are all over 6 feet tall so this one is easy for us.

These are a few of the old standards. Be careful. Don't get your ass kicked playing Bodyguard.